


talk me down

by emmygg



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Europe, Everyone Is Gay, Falling In Love, Fluff, Kissing, Lee Jeno is Whipped, Love Confessions, M/M, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, dojae is that bitch, im gonna try and include dojae somewhere, jaemin highkey sick of the hets, jaemin is inexperienced, jeno isn't out yet, markhyuck, nomin, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-08-08 03:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16421969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmygg/pseuds/emmygg
Summary: "I wanna sleep next to youBut that's all I wanna do right nowSo come over now and talk me down"na jaemin falls for lee jeno, who he's sure is straight, but as they go through highschool, it becomes clearer to jaemin that this perhaps isn't the case





	1. you drive me wild

jaemin (6:30)  
do i rlly gotta go??

renjun (6:30)  
umm yes im not going alone, post up or i will highkey beat ur ass xoxo

jaemin (6:32)  
what time do you wanna meet ig..

renjun (6:33)  
8pm by my house luv u xox

drinking was never jaemin’s scene. seeing countless stupid decisions being made by both his friends and strangers, sometimes his friends ‘with’ the strangers, what is even appealing about drinking so much you throw up your guts? because of this, jaemin assigned himself as the mum friend, he much preferred being the one stopping his friends from passing out rather than being the latter. as he began getting ready he suddenly realised, he didn’t even know who was hosting the party, renjun had just kinda thrown it on him that morning in maths that they were going out tonight and that’s that on that, no chance to even reject. jaemin wasn’t even looking for anything tonight, it had become tiresome for him to keep developing feelings for overly-friendly straight boys who kept “bro-zoning” him. too many times he found himself wanting to kiss boys, who a second later would be all-over some generic girl who attended their school. 

jaem grabbed his jacket and began making his way to renjun’s house, “how i would do anything to just lay in bed” he thought to himself, he would easily be wrapped in blankets binge watching netflix with a hot chocolate had renjun not threatened him to turn up. but jaemin was used to this, he and renjun had been bestfriends since childhood and had always depended on each other, just like jaemin renjun was also gay, so they always had that connection, but never romantically.

“oh my god finally”, renjun had literally just walked out of his house, jaemin knew he was not waiting more than 20 seconds, “it’s literally 7:58pm i’m early if anything headass”, jaemin was one of the few people who could call renjun headass, an accomplishment he was proud of, “fair enough but next time i’ll literally just leave without you, anyway are you excited for tonight?”, “no”, blunt, but at least jaemin was honest, “ok that was fuckin rude what the fuck is up kyle”, jaemin let out a laugh, of course he was excited to sit in the corner watching his friend get absolutely shitfaced and then carry him home at 4am even when they had classes in the morning. “you know me renjun, parties are literal hell on earth”, “yeah to you, but for me it’s my only chance to talk to lucas”, lucas was an exchange student who jaemin was certain was straight, but renjun was relentless in his quest to make out with him. “why do you even like lucas, yeah he’s attractive we’ve been knew on that, but he’s loud as fuck and he’s clearly straight”, “don’t try and use your weak ass gaydar on me, you thought mark was straight and now he’s with donghyuck, try again”, renjun had a point, jaemin was terrible at picking up whether someone was straight or not, nothing is more embarrassing to him than the time he leaned in to kiss a guy, and the guy literally blanked him so fast, renjun had even told him the guy was straight but jaemin was sure this time, obviously he played himself. “well it doesn’t matter, i know i’m right, i’ll pick up the pieces in the morning for you”, “i hate you jaemin”.

both of them walked up to the house, it was absolutely stunning, it looked like something out of a movie, whoever lived here was very lucky to have such a beautiful house. “so, who is the host?” jaemin still didn’t know, and apparently, neither did renjun, “uhh i don’t know, mark just asked me to come and told me to invite whoever, so obviously you were my plus one”, “wow what an honour”, “be grateful for five mins otherwise you’ll go back home with your cat as company”, jaemin would love that, maybe he should continue to wind renjun up. 

they knocked on the door, suddenly nerves started to fill jaemin’s stomach, this always happened whenever he went to a stranger’s house, especially when he didn’t know who even lived there. they were greeted by mark, thank god a familiar face. “hey, you guys finally got here!!”, “its 8:32 and the party started at 8:30, i’m sure in the two long minutes that have passed you’ve missed us”,, “good old renjun, never change”, “you’re a year older than me mark cut it with the ‘old’ asshole”,, “anyway, drinks are over there and the party is through there, let me know if you need anything k?” again, jaemin was confused as to who’s this party was, why was mark greeting people and showing them snacks if he was guest? “do you know where the host is mark??”, “oh i’m not sure, according to his step-brother he went getting something and should be back soon, so they left me in charge”, “his brother?”, “oh yeah, you know kim doyoung? he used to tutor us in high school” jaemin vaguely remembered doyoung, but his step brother? that still availed him. “do you know the host?”, “again no clue really, doyoung was the one who invited me when i saw him at the corner shop, his step-brother’s name is jeno tho” jeno. it didn’t sound familiar at all, perhaps they only moved to the area recently? at least jaemin knew if anything happened tonight, he could try and find this ‘jeno’ for help.

a few hours had passed and jaemin was in his usual position, leaning on the arm of the couch as a drunken renjun was pouring his love to both jaemin and their younger friend chenle, who wasn’t drinking obviously, but wanted to quickly say hello before being roped into renjun’s ted talk about how much he loved his friends. drinks were flowing, even jaemin had a red solo cup, however his was filled with strawberry milk he brought with him, whereas as renjuns drink of choice that night was orange and vodka. he could see that renjun was far gone, and that he needed to go to bed. jaemin slowly walked across to where renjun was lay, flat-out on the floor, pretending to make ‘snow angels’ in a spilled drink on the floor. “come on renjun, it’s time for bed”, “wooow jaemin!! u kno i fuckin lobe you man!!!”, “yeah i’m aware now let’s get some sleep ok? ”,, “you’re such a wuss jaemin im abt to go see my man”, oh god, jaemin did NOT want renjun to embarrass himself in front of lucas in this state. “ye he’s upstairs in bed too let’s go!” jaemin hated lying, but at this point it was for the greater good. as jaemin began to reach for the floor to lift renjun, he straight up bolts quicker than anything jaemin had ever seen, this was going to be a long night.

“he won’t sleep huh?” an unfamiliar voice sounded behind jaemin, it has both aspects of sweet and raspy wrapped into one. jaemin turned and saw quite possibly the most beautiful boy he had ever laid eyes on? he had black hair parted down his face, his smile beamed so brightly, again, probably the cutest thing jaemin had ever seen. “yeah he’s being difficult tonight, i don’t think we’ve met? ”jaemin tried not to stutter, just the boy’s presence had him at a loss for words,, “oh yeah i forgot, my name is jeno, lee jeno, you are??” “i’m na jaemin, your friend mark invited me and renjun who you just saw on the floor lol”,, “ohh mark invited you! he took care of you guys when i was gone right?”,, “oh of course, have you ever met a boy sweeter than mark?”,, “you?”, jaemin was almost certain his face was probably the deepest shade of red, this cute ass boy saying he was sweet? jaemin was going to combust,, “i’m just saying, mark and his friends are always sweet, yall probably met at his dad’s church or something” jaemin laughed, not only was jeno cute, but also funny and caring, suddenly those feelings started again, that cycle of jaemin falling for a cute het. of course, jaemin had already determined jeno was straight, what gay person would throw a party full of sports jocks? exactly. “yeah i better collect my friends before they do something to your house”,, “are you sure? you can all stay here in one of the guest rooms i really don’t mind”, had jaemin not had the pushing urge to kiss this boy right there and then he might’ve accepted, but right now he needed to be in the comfort of his own home to scream over him. “nah it’s good, my mum is expecting us home soon, i don’t wanna worry her”,, “fair do’s, take my number so you can text me to make sure you’re home safe?” jaemin’s heart skipped a beat, he just wanted to leave the party, cry over jeno for a good few hours and then get over it, but now he had his phone number, oh lordy. “s-sure, i’ll keep you updated yeah?”,, “sure thing, see you around jaemin”, and with that jeno returned to his friends who were attempting to down a keg upside down.

jaemin literally sprinted over to renjun to pull him away from lucas, jaemin was surprised that renjun had even managed to talk to him, but he could tell lucas was also far gone, and didn’t want anything they would regret to happen. “hey lucas, i’m jaemin and here to collect my friend renjun he has a 9am and i don’t wish for him to fail”,, “ohhh so you’re nana!!”, oh Christ, what had renjun told him, “haha yeah that’s me, let’s go renjun” renjun was clearly tired and probably about to be sick, so naturally he clung to jaemin and they began to walk home, that’s after renjun made lucas promise to text him the next day. “soo jaemm, whoo wa that guy in the kitch?!”,, “oh it was just jeno, remember the one mark said was hosting?”,, “ohh yeah, he’s so hot right?”, “i guess, i thought you liked lucas?”, “i do fool i just like appreciating beauty”, jaemin laughed with him, he also was fond of appreciating jeno’s beauty.

jaemin (02:36)  
hey jeno it’s me jaemin, we just got home, renjun threw up but he’s alive

almost instantly jaemin’s phone buzzed

jeno (02:37)  
ahh hey jaemin! thank god ur home i couldn’t sleep thinkin u weren’t home safe, next time i walk you home ok?

jaemin (02:40)  
haha yeah, honestly it’s fine though, thanks for tonight!!

jeno (02:41)  
no problem, see you around jaemin!

renjun was knocked out asleep, whilst jaemin was sat in his bed, completely restless. he was certain his heart had enlarged by 5 sizes, he was falling for jeno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh so this is my first fic, i apologise for having no capitals and stuff, writing lowercase is part of being gay i apologise,. again this is probably so bad but i'n trying to get into the hang of writing so please love kudos and love so i know i'm not a complete waste of time xoxo
> 
> i'm in uni so idk when i'll update but hopefully regurar(huh)ly
> 
> the title of this chapter comes from troye's song wild! all chapter title's are either gonna be troye sivan or a gay artist so prepare for that
> 
> the title of the fic is my fave troye song if anyone cares
> 
> also it's 2 am and i didnt proof read im sorry in advance, but thank u for getting this far ILY
> 
> also its gonna be a long fic even if no one reads i have so many plans lol xx


	2. i can be the subject of your dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long one strap in bois
> 
> also!! mentions of anxiety in this chapter just a quick warning xxo

it was the next morning and renjun still hadn’t surfaced out of bed. jaemin began making him some toast and grabbing him a bottle of water, both excellent cures for the hangover renjun was currently nursing. “hey sleepy head time to wake up”, “fuck off” renjun literally croaked at him, he couldn’t have brought water at a better time. “what the fuck did i do last night??” jaemin began to enlighten him about the ‘snow angels’, the ted talk and the unbelievable fact that he talked to lucas that night,, “oh my god i didn’t mess it up with lucas did i?!”,, “no don’t worry, saved you before you allowed that to happen”,, “thanks jaemin i love you”, “pLEASE don’t start the ted talk again renjun i think i heard more than enough this morning” renjun continued to ask about last nights endeavours, all with his head slumped on the table as they waited for mark to come pick them up for school. “trust me you did nothing so stupid that everyone is gonna hate you”,, “ok i trust you”. 

mark pulled up outside of jaemin’s house, donghyuck was sat in the front passenger seat obviously accompanying his boyfriend, he immediately began to laugh when renjun, who looked like he had seen better days, sat in the back of the car. “who dragged you in last night then” donghyuck playfully shoved renjun who just glared at him, he looked like he was about to throw up again. just before renjun had the chance to jokingly curse him out, mark, conveniently for donghyuck, interrupted, “so, i know last night was hectic, but you guys remember the halloween party tomorrow night right”, oh how could jaemin forget, mark hosted a huge halloween party every year and of course was expected to go, “i’m so down”,, “hold your horses renjun are you going to survive another night of drinking”, jaemin knew renjun was going to the party no matter what, but wanted to at least ask. “if you don’t come we’ll toilet roll your house” he knew mark was only joking, well he hoped. “can i invite my friend jeno??” donghyuck asked, suddenly butterflies circulated in jaemin’s stomach, how did donghyuck know jeno? “of course, his party was amazing but i want to show him how to host properly” donghyuck laughed along with mark, seeing the glint in their eyes as they laughed together always made jaemin envy them, he’d always wanted someone to laugh with, spend lazy days just lied together intertwined, countless daydreams where he had whatever boy was in his mind acting that role as his boyfriend. sadly yet to materialize beyond his dreams. “so how do you know jeno?” jaemin was glad renjun asked this, he didn’t want to seem like he was too interested or anything like that. “oh we used to go to primary school together, he moved away but we always kept in touch, and he just moved back with his new step family, he’s enrolled at our school” this would be perfect, if jeno wasn’t straight. now jaemin had to process that jeno was going to be at his school and he’d probably see him around, a constant reminder of the huge crush he had developed on him.

jaemin thought about it, the smallest act of affection made him absolutely crazy, he would fall in love with someone for holding the door open for him if he could. he always wondered why he was so attached to people after a basic amount of affection. perhaps it was because jaemin had rarely ever been given it, as a child his parents were so busy he was practically raised by his brother, because of this jaemin made sure to give as much affection to those he loved, and became ridiculously hung up on any affection he received himself. 

they got to the school gates and parted ways, they all agreed to meet again in the cafeteria later for lunch, as jaemin was dragging his friend to class, he caught a quick glance of that beautiful reminder, jeno. he was surrounded by jocks from all clubs, from his fit jaemin knew he would be into sports, not the stars, astrology and space like jaemin was. he knew it was futile to even think he had a chance with jeno, but there was nothing wrong with admiring the view right? in the midst of his daydreaming, jeno made eye contact with him. his eyes were so beautiful and glimmered even in the shoddy school lighting, jeno’s impact. instantly jeno gave jaemin the biggest smile, jaemin smiled back and literally ran into the classroom, sat at his desk, and he’s pretty sure he physically uwu’d out loud. renjun entered just after him, looking just as embarrassed by something. “jaemin you did NOT tell me i tried to hit on jeno last night”,, jaemin’s heart sunk, why did he already feel so jealous? jeno was straight, there no was no chance for either of them why did he feel so upset? “i didn’t even know you were with jeno, however you did comment he was hot on the way home” jaemin was so glad he didn’t see jeno and renjun together, he wouldn’t have known what to do with himself. “FUCKK i’m so dumb what if lucas saw, he wouldn’t wanna date a thot”,, “renjun stop being so melodramatic jeno is straight remember”,, “oh yeah, if you see jeno or lucas please say i died last night ok?”,, “i swear renjun you can’t have said something so horrific that jeno or lucas is gonna kill you”,, “i literally told jeno he was attractive tho”,, “yeah and im sure he’s heard it a million times before so he isn’t gonna be too surprised”,, “oh worm? you think he’s attractive too?”,, for the second time in two minutes jaemin was embarrassed, he rarely admitted boys were attractive, partially because he didn’t want renjun interfering in his crushes. “i can compliment a guy can’t i?” and with that the class started, it was physics, jaemin’s favorite.

jaemin was completely entranced in his lesson, his teacher was explaining how stars transformed from stellar nebula into supernova’s and such, this part of physics was his favourite, he preferred it greatly over parts of physics such as calculating speed. mid-way into the lesson jaemin’s phone buzzed, everyone was in class, who would be texting him? he couldn’t even check through the risk of it being taken off him, he could excuse himself for the toilet, but then he’d miss the part of the formation of a black hole, so he sat for the rest of the lesson restless as he pondered who could’ve texted him.  
the wait was killing him, the minute the teacher dismissed the class he reached for his phone so quick. the texts were from jeno, jaemin was pretty sure his heart had become a supernova.

jeno (9:36am)  
hey it was really nice seeing you in the hallway very briefly before you had to run to class, donghyuck told me you went here too so i was hoping i’d see you and renjun around. i just finished filling my enrolment forms and stuff in and i have a lesson at 10am i was wondering if you could show me the room? donghyuck told me you knew the school best haha

jeno (9:37am)  
oh and don’t worry if you can’t i’ll try and do it myself, i’m by the lockers where i was this morning if you can help uwu

jaemin (9:56am)  
omg hi i hope it’s not too late im omw!!

jaemin literally ran to the lockers, not only to stop jeno from waiting, but to prevent himself being late, although jaemin knew he was about to be in the presence of the lee jeno, his body had not fully realised until he reached the corridor, jeno was sorting through his books by his locker, he had the cutest sweater paws and his baggy jumper showed off his shoulders, wow jaemin was falling in love ONCE AGAIN. jaemin pondered for a second, how was he going to say hello? what if he got lost and made jeno late? all these scenarios played out in jaemin’s head until he was interrupted,, “oh hey jaemin thank you so much for helping me, i’m in room 112”,, “oh of course it’s no problem, wait, 112?”,, “yeah that’s what my timetable says”,, oh god, jeno was in the same class as jaemin, he could barely talk to jeno in a corridor, nevermind sit in the same room as him for the next two hours. “that’s so cool we’re in the same class, i’ll fill you in when we get there”,, jaemin and jeno walked to class, jaemin filled jeno in on the teacher, his classmates, and the fact that a lot of the girls in his class are probably going to swoon over jeno the minute he enters the door. “oh i don’t really care much for gir- a relationship, , i prefer to just focus on my soccer practice haha” jaemin noticed, jeno was about to say he had no care for girls but quickly corrected himself, blushing a little in the process, jaemin’s very thin thread he held onto hoping jeno would be gay, grew slightly thicker.  
they reached the classroom just on time, “you can sit anywhere you like we don’t really follow a seating plan”,, “ok can i just sit beside you?”, jaemin felt his body burn up, was he really about to have jeno sat next to him for the next two hours, an actual friend in that hell hole of a class, would he even survive? “sure, that would be great” the class begins and immediately jeno is swarmed with questions, from both random jocks and girls, jaemin pulled out his earphones figuring he would need the distraction from the possibility jeno could be talking to his future wife, jaemin knew he was being dramatic, but he didn’t care

“Cause you're safe like spring time Short days, long nights, boy Tell me all the ways to love you” lucky strike was playing through his earphones, it only fuelled his fantasies of spending long nights chatting over the most useless and interesting topics, he had always imagined doing this on a rooftop, whilst staring at the stars, and this time in his daydream his co-star was jeno. he was completely lost in his music, that was until jeno pulled on his cord removing the pods from his ears, “god i’m so sorry about all that, i don’t know why people are so invasive”,, “i know right? like you joined this morning but they’re already taking your hair follicles and submitting it to 23&me to find your entire family tree” jeno began to laugh, jaemin wishes he was always this funny, then he could see jeno’s smile more. they continued through their spanish class, they were helping each other translate and asking each other the assigned questions, jeno hadn’t done spanish before, his school did Japanese so naturally he asked jaemin a lot of questions; “what does como estas mean?”,, “oh it just means how are you, and since you’re asking, muy bien”,, the tasks continued for a whileand jaemin was translating everything from greetings to colours, then out of nowhere jeno asks; “what does mi amor mean?”,, this was a new record, jaemin again felt his face flaring into colour,, “oh it just means m-my love”,, “oh that’s sweet of you! ahha” jeno noted it down in his book, jaemin felt like his heart was in his throat, he would die to call someone his love, and more importantly, for someone to say he was their love. 

they finished the class just before 12, jaemin had to go and meet mark, renjun and donghyuck for dinner, as much as he wanted to be apart from jeno so he could actually breathe, it was jeno’s first day, he didn’t want jeno to be on his own, “do you wanna come sit with us at dinner, if you’re not busy??”, “oh no it’s fine, i kinda already agreed to sit with people from the soccer team so that i could get to know them a bit more and stuff, i hope you don’t mind” jaemin couldn’t say he wasn’t sad jeno was sitting with his soccer friends, but he only wanted the best for him, “haha don’t worry it’s fine, enjoy lunch and if you want we could meet for english here at 3?” jaemin and jeno also compared timetables, they had a lot of the same classes, both amazing and a huge stress for jaemin.”sure thing, see you later jaemin!!” and jeno walked down the corridor. Jaemin immediately darted to his friends table, back in the comfort of his fellow gays. “thank you for showing jeno around today by the way!, I highkey couldn’t be bothered”, “haha it’s ok, he’s really studious, something you don’t always expect from the people who love sport lol”, “yeah i know us gays don’t so sports but jeno went to a private school in france so he’s already conditioned to excel in both” that’s amazing, jeno went from being in a private school to some random school in a small village? “why did jeno come here from private school”,, he was again scared he was acting too invested, but donghyuck was happily answering his question’s without hesitation,, “he hated the system, he basically begged his parents not to be put in a private school, and i guess his step-brother doyoung went here and now he’s in a good university, so it probably wasn’t hard to persuade them” mark joined the table planting a kiss on donghyuck’s forehead, he’d just come from hockey practice, which was very stereotypically canadian of him,, “yo hyuck i thought gays didn’t so sports?” renjun called out,, “he’s bi renjun, yes im embarassed to only be dating half a gay too” mark playfully shoved him and them wrapped his arms around him pulling him into an embrace, this was their dynamic, confident hyuck and completely whipped mark, everyone laughed along with them, then jaemin’s phone buzzed;

jeno (12:18pm)  
everyone here is talking about some halloween party tomorrow night, are you going?

jaemin(12:19pm)  
yeah, as mark’s friend i’m highkey forced, but it’ll be fun i guess

jeno(12:22pm)  
cool cool, just wanted to make sure there was a familiar face, i always get anxious if i don’t see people i know

jaemin could not relate harder, he was even anxious going to jeno’s house, then he thought about it, jeno didn’t really know anyone in the soccer team, as most of his friends such as lucas played for the basketball team, he hoped jeno wasn’t anxious right now

jaemin(12:22pm)  
you’re ok right now aren’t you? like with the new people on the soccer team and stuff

jeno (12:23pm)  
uhm i’m tryna focus on the conversation but i keep having to come back to my phone because it rlly is a lot, like they’re all rlly nice but im still not all that confident, i kinda only really have u rn…

jeno was depending on jaemin, jaemin knew he had to keep jeno into the conversation, for the sake of keeping him on the soccer team and so that he didn’t start zoning out or have some sort of anxiety attack

jaemin(12:23pm)  
dw bout it, just try and look interested and only chime in when you feel comfortable ok? if you need to text me or whatever, even if it’s just little ramblings just to keep u occupied ok?

jeno didn’t reply, although it had only been 7 minutes, he knew exactly what type of situation jeno was in, and had been in it himself before, where he began dissaosciating or getting major anxiety around new people, it was part of the reason he didn’t like to drink, so that he couldn’t embarrass himself to the point he got anxiety from the potential things he could’ve done

jaemin (12:31pm)  
are you ok jeno?

jeno(12:32pm)  
ye.

jaemin(12:32pm)  
do you want me to come get you?

jeno(12:34pm)  
please…

and without any explanation jaemin made his way to the other cafeteria, to rescue jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at first i had major writers block doing this chapter but ended up yeeting out nearly 3k words, am i ok?  
> again im flexing on my sleep and doing this at 2am and in my typical fashion i havent proofread it so im sorry for all the mistakes
> 
> the song in this title is from bite by troye sivan ofc!
> 
> also if you haven't gathered, but all chapters are gonna be a troye sivan lyric, as is the title, i just find troye to be a muse to my writing and he inspires me so much i love his music sm
> 
> alsoo!! thank u for acc readin this? i saw 100 hits and i was like yooo okk!!!! thank u for reading, commenting and leaving kudos! im rlly nervous abt this whole thing still so it might be some time til i read comments but i do appreciate it alot
> 
> i have already started the next chapter, so be ready for that soon! 
> 
> luv you!!
> 
> p.s. this fic highkey be bad and waffley lol


	3. i just wanna see the stars with you

“do you need me to get you anything else?”,,, “nono it’s fine, you’ve done plenty for me today”, jaemin brought jeno to the library café, it was much quieter and had way less people, when he went to get jeno from the soccer table he simply told them could he borrow jeno for a few minutes, and just lowkey not return him. he had to admit, it was intimidating to go up to them, but jaemin cared much more about how jeno was feeling rather than some jocks who he was likely to never encounter again. “i feel like such an idiot”, jeno’s smile dropped, this is the first time jaemin had seen jeno without his usually beaming smile,, “no you’re not an idiot, anxiety is a legitimate condition and i know exactly how it feels, for even going to sit with them you’ve conquered it a little, even if no one else tells you, im proud of you for doing that today, it must’ve took a lot”, the corners of jeno’s mouth lifted slightly, jaemin was content that he was able to help jeno a little today, because many times had suffered in silence, and he didn’t want the same for jeno. 

“what will you be wearing to the halloween party?” jaemin tried to get the conversation away from anxiety, he knew it’s the last thing jeno wanted to be thinking about, “hmm i don’t know yet, maybe i’ll be a disappointment, it won’t take much to convince people”,,, “jeno you are not a disappointment, you’ve already achieved so much today just by facing your fears, i’m getting you another cupcake and we’re going to english, sound good?” jeno nodded, jaemin really wanted jeno to know he wasn’t worthless, he wasn’t a bad person for dealing with anxiety, and that people did care about him, because jaemin really did care for him  
class finished and jeno was due at his soccer practice, jaemin knew jeno wasn’t in the right state of mind and he just needed sleep, but he knew it would be hard to convince jeno to stay home rather than go through three hours of practice, “are you sure you wanna go?”,,, “i kinda have to, i should apologise for before..”,,, “don’t apologise for your anxiety jeno, just apologise to them and say that your friend came and took you and things ran over time ok?” jaemin walked jeno to his practice, he waited with him by the locker room door before he entered; “you’re gonna do great today jeno, i have all faith in you”,,, “thank you jaemin, not just for that but for today, i really don’t deserve you”,, “i’m your friend jeno and friends care for each other, you don’t need to thank me” jaemin gave him a reassuring smile, although they had only known each other a short time, jaemin did care for jeno, ignoring the fact he was attracted to him, he really wanted to be friends wth jeno. “i’ll see you at the party tomorrow jaemin!” jeno smiled back and entered the locker room. jaemin began walking towards the parking lot to meet mark, he couldn’t help but be nervous for jeno, and now any attempts to try and get out of the party disappeared, because he actually wanted to be there, he wanted to be there for jeno.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it was saturday morning and jaemin was at mark’s house helping him decorate, he hadn’t heard from jeno that night, but he assumed jeno got home from practice and just went straight to bed,,, “can you pass me the tablecloth”,, jaemin was staring into space, he somewhat heard mark’s voice but paid no attention to what he was saying, all he could think about was jeno. was he doing ok? did he do well at soccer last night? did his anxiety start playing up? all these thoughts consumed him until mark clicked his fingers,, “hello anyone in there?”,,,”oh, sorry, the tablecloth i’ll get it”, jaemin placed it over the table, all whilst mark stood at the other side looking quite confused, “is something going on jaemin? no one’s hurt you right?”,,, “omg mark no lol, it’s just jeno, i think he’s having a hard time settling in and stuff” jaemin didn’t want to reveal too much, because he felt jeno had placed a substantial amount of trust in him and he didn’t want to lose that. “honestly he’ll be fine soon, i was the same when i moved from canada, it’s just a lot to take in and a bit suffocating but he’ll come round eventually”, mark delivered the response with a reasurring smile, jaemin hoped that was the case and that soon jeno would be happier, because that’s all he wanted for him.  
mark and jaemin continued decorating the house and preparing refreshments for the party later on, mark had really excelled when it came to decorating as literally everything had been transformed into something out of a haunted house, he’d even bought his dog a costume,, “so what are you dressing as jaem?”,,, “in typical me fashion i’m dressing up as an angel, i think it fits me perfectly” it really did, jaemin was the type to volunteer on his days off, he loved looking after children and had the sweetest smile, if heaven was a place on earth, jaemin would definitely be one of it’s angels. “wow you right, i don’t know what i’m doing yet…”,,, “seriously mark? you give official haunted houses a run for their money with the decoration of this house but you don’t even have an outfit!?”,,, “well i wanted to do the tinman from the wizard of oz but hyuck wants me to do something from harry potter even though i’ve never watched it”,,,,”just listen to your boyfriend for once and do harry potter, just do the bolt on your head and say you’re harry potter no one is gonna pull out a trivia book on you” the boys both laughed and continued working on their pumpkins, however jaemin was now the one confused, why had mark never watched harry potter? he had already mentally scheduled a 19 hour viewing session to get mark caught up.   
it was 9pm and people were already rolling in for the party, jaemin was nervous as he hadn’t heard from jeno at all that day, but perhaps that was his fault for not messaging him first, but he also didn’t want to seem like he was bothering jeno, oh the perks of being both over-protective and scared of emotions. “wow you did an angel how surprising” renjun had just arrived at the party, he, chenle and jisung were all dressed as smurfs, and lucky for renjun he had been given smurfette,,, “wow nice wig where did you get that, claire’s??”,,, “you’re a bitch jaemin”,,, “you love me really”

as the conversation continued to flow between him and his friends, jaemin catches a glimpse of jeno entering with his friend’s from soccer. he had his hair slicked back, his eyes had been deepened with eyeliner further accentuating how beautiful they were. jeno was dressed as the devil, jaemin would be lying if he said his breath hadn’t hitched. it took a while for jaemin to realise he’d just been intently staring at jeno, he turned his attention back to his friends, all of whom were giving him very suspicious facial expression, “what?”, jaemin’s futile attempt to act like he wasn’t staring at jeno was immediately crushed as these boys weren’t stupid, “so you like jeno huh?” renjun retorted, thank god jaemin had decals on his cheeks to mask the bright shade of pink that was forming underneath,, “no i was just looking at his outfit, i’m an angel he’s a devil i jus thought it was cool”,,, “did you guys plan couples outfits on purpose then?” again jaemin’s cheeks were burning up at jisung this time, as much as he would’ve loved it to be a couple outfit, he had to come back to reality that it was just a coincidence they somewhat matched. “you guys i swear on god i will throw hands”,,, “why.. you scared of us embarassing you infront of your ‘mans?”,, jisung had learnt something from renjun it seemed, jaemin was like a children’s book, so easy to read. “no it’s just he’s my friend and”- “keep telling yourself that” renjun cut him off, how had his friends already worked out that he had a crush on jeno? however he was glad donghyuck wasn’t around, he didn’t want one of jeno’s friends knowing that information.

it was getting later into the night and jaemin hadn’t seen jeno since he entered, his friends were too busy playing stupid drinking games or had already gone home, but of course jaemin was on mum duty. he walked to the kitchen to get another drink, and by another drink mark had bought him some sort of americano to keep him awake through the night, he looked over into the living room to see renjun again trying his luck with het boy lucas. it was funny how renjun in the past had ridiculed jaemin for having crushes on straights yet renjun was out here about to give up his limbs for one. the clock read 2:21, jaemin thought it was the best time to call it a night, for both the sake of renjun and poor lucas who was being subject to him. as he made his way into the hallway he was met with a friendly face, and his stomach filled with butterflies,. “omg hey jaemin finally i’ve been looking for you all night!!” it was jeno, perhaps jaemin could stay a bit longer, if his heart didn’t decide it was going to spontaneously burst,, “hah same here, being surrounded by all these drunks i needed my sober friend” however it was clear to jaemin, jeno was a little drunk himself, not renjun drunk, but still drunk,,, “yeah, i decided to drink a little mor—oh my god jaemin we’re matching!!”, ok this is the part where the ticking time bomb that was jaemin’s heart started to count down, “oh my yeah i noticed it before” and by noticed, jaemin had already had a whole couple entrance to the party planned in his head,,, “we should’ve entered the couple costume contest we sooo would’ve won” WE, COUPLE, WE WOULD’VE WON, jaemin didn’t know if jeno knew the weight of his words, but jaemin was literally on the edge of combustion,he couldn’t even form a reply that wasn’t ‘wow date me’, “i’m gonna go collect renjun and go home if that’s gucci? i think renjun has had way more than enough tonight”,,, “are you sure renjun’s gonna be able to walk home? boy looks like he has made that couch his home”,,,, “i mean i kinda need him to be able to stand so that i have someone to walk home with”,,, “don’t worry i’ll walk you we live in the same direction” someone come collect na jaemin because this was his breaking point, he had succumbed to lee jeno,, “i mean are you sure i don’t wanna leave renjun”,,, “yeah i’m positive let’s go” and out of nowhere jeno grabs jaemin’s hand so that he didn’t lose him in the sea of people as they left the party, it was at this point jeno had truly broken jaemin.

they make it outside and the air was cold and bitter, the moon shone so brightly amongst the stars, that was one thing jaemin loved about nightime, he could see the stars and admire them in their full grandeur. jaemin got lost in the view, it was his favourite time of night and he absolutely loved nighttime walks, he spent so many night up until 4am just listening to music and exploring the secrets behind the nightsky. as he was looking into the sky, jaemin was sure he recognised a constellation so went to check it, but as he went to grab his phone, he realised jeno still hadn’t let go of his hand. he began to panic, did he let go first? did he wait for jeno? was this just jeno being friendly? again the cons of being gay were figuring out any potential crushes, “jeno sorry i gotta let go for two seconds to grab my phone from this pocket”,,, within an instant jeno retracted his hand, although jeno couldn’t have been holding his hand for more than 3 minutes, jaemin already missed it’s warmth,, “haha sorry i completely forgot i was holding it i do that all the time” something seemed nervous in jeno’s tone, but jaemin decided not to question it, “i was just looking for that constellation, ive been getting into astronomy more recently, but i don’t really have anyone to talk to about it”,,, jaemin came to the realisation of how much we would love to just talk at someone, about everything and anything, he wondered if he would ever have that,, “you can talk to me about it, i’ve always admired the stars too”, and with that jaemin begins his ted talk on the constellation

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

jeno’s pov!!!

“well a constellation is just when a group of stars form a pattern and then they get matched up to some mythological meaning, like the one i just saw was columba which is a dove which they believe signalled noah about the great flood and stuff”,, jeno loved hearing jaemin talk, his sweet, light voice and the passion in his words, jeno was sure he was going to melt. although he never really took an interest in the stars before, jeno would do anything to here jaemin talk about what he loved, watching him get lost in passion for space, and basically just seeing him so happy made jeno happy. jeno was definitely a hopeless romantic, how we he wishes he could grab back for jaemin’s hand and hold it ever so tightly, the night air was cold and jeno would do anything to pull jaemin into his embrace and keep him warm, he was already thinking of cheesy pick-up lines to use on jaemin, on how the sparkle in jaemin’s eyes outshone all the stars in the sky, whilst on the thought jeno did stare at jaemin’s eyes. how could one boy literally have jeno so love struck? he had only known jaemin a week but he had already had countless thoughts of caring for him and loving him, but deep down jeno knew he wasn’t confident enough, he wasn’t even out so how could he even try and be with a boy? which lead jeno to another thought, what if jaemin was straight? then he laughed, jaemin listened to too much troye sivan to be hetero  
“and then i looked at this one and again i was like, is this andromeda??” jeno stopped, they were literally at jaemin’s house but the boy had trailed off ahead still going on his speech about constellations, again jeno loved this, the fact that jaemin was so enchanted and in love with something, one day he hoped jaemin could speak the same way about him, “jaemin, we’re at your house”,, jaemin looked back, jeno was correct and jaemin’s cheeks flushed in embarassment that he had just talked jeno to death, but jeno absolutely loved that. “are you gonna be ok getting in and everything??” jeno knew jaemin was going to be fine, but any excuse to be with him longer was what he wanted,, “yeah im just gonna go straight to bed, ill message you in the morning?”,,, jeno really didn’t want to leave jaemin, he would do anything to hold jaemin as he continued to talk about the things he loved, but again he came to reality that jaemin would never love him like that, “yeye that’s cool, see you in class!”, jeno watches as jaemin enters his house, he pulls out his phone and connects his airpods, to further encourage his already sad mood, jeno put’s on a song that perfectly describes how he feels in this moment;

“i’d never ask you, ‘cause deep down i’m certain, i know what you’d say,,  
you’d say i’m sorry, believe me, i love you, but not in that way”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

back to jaemin’s pov!!!

 

jaemin ran up his stairs and climed straight into bed, a million thoughts entered his mind, he still couldn’t get over jeno holding his hand and the fact that jeno seemed interested in what he was saying. “on god why did i have to go on and embarrass myself” jaemin muttered to himself, if only he knew that was something jeno loved about him. jaemin tried to get some sleep, but his emotions were too high, he couldn’t help being so restless, and then his phone vibrates;

jeno (3:01am)  
just letting you know im home safe, sleep tight jaem!!

jaemin(3:02am)  
you too jeno~

jaemin was seriously in his uwu hours, time to close his eyes and fantasise about jeno holding his hand again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had MAJOR writings block for this chapter, idk why i decided to talk about halloween i don't even like halloween lmao?? (this is why its lowkey short)
> 
> also i read the comments and honestly thank u all sm!!! i will reply when i get the time but i luv and appreciate it!!
> 
> also i read the comment on the dialogue being seperated so im gonna try and work more on that cos even myself im like uhhh how do i seperate this
> 
> lastly!!! the song jeno listened to was "not like that" by sam smith, i included it because i rlly feel that song on an emotional level, we love unrequited gay love. the title for the chapter comes from troye's song the fault in our stars (mmxiv)
> 
> thank u again! please leave kudos i will love you forever!!
> 
> ps. i wrote this from 1am til 4am so its gonna have a lot of mistakes i never proofread <\3


	4. only fools fall for you

it was 6am and jaemin had just woken for school, he always woke up early, both so he could sit in bed and be angry that he had to be up, and so that he could mentally prepare for the enslaught of questions he was about to get from his friend’s now they figured out his crush on jeno. as usual the first thing he did was check his phone for messages, as he was lazily scrolling through, a series of messages appeared that got rid of any tiredness he previously felt;

jeno(3:34am)  
i didn’t say it before, but thank you for tonight jaemin it was really nice of u to walk with me and even abandon injun im sorry about that lmaoo

jeno(3:36am)  
also if you don’t mind, i realised we could walk to school together if i take a bit of a detour?? i usually walk alone but it would be nice to have company,, but i completely understand if you don’t wanna lol

jeno(3:46am)  
anyway,, good night and see you tomorrow!!

jaemin stared at the messages for a while, unsure of how to even respond in a normal manner where he wasn’t confessing his love. he decided he’d have to make it quick, so that jeno could set out earlier if he needed, because let’s be honest, there was no doubt that jaemin would say yes to jeno.

jaemin(6:12am)  
haha sorry i didn’t see these i was asleep! but yeah that would be great i usually walk alone too or get a lift with mark, we can meet at the park at 7:15??

jaemin continued to get ready, waiting on jeno to hopefully remember what he sent and still want to walk with him.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
it was almost time for them to meet and jeno was yet to reply which made jaemin extremely nervous. what if jeno was drunk when he sent the messages and was now regretting sending them, what if he was ignoring jaemin, what if jeno was just playing with jaemin?? these thoughts completely take over jaemin’s train of thought, he begins to walk to the meeting place, in the hopes jeno will be there. as he’s walking, nerves begin to take over, jaemin had experienced this before. being let down, having plans cancelled and always feeling like an outsider. he still had faith that jeno was just yet to check his phone or something. he was basically trying to come up with any excuse to distract from his current feelings of anxiety.

it’s already 7:15 and jaemin is patiently at the park, and by patiently he is so close to actually crying he can feel it in his throat. he reaches for his phone, still no reply from jeno, so he decides to send another text incase there’s a chance jeno will show up

jaemin(7:17am)  
hey i’m at the park, do you still wanna meet up or?? it’s just i’ll have to leave soon or i’ll be late

jaemin waits another 10 minutes, he has to set off soon, but no reply or sight of jeno. as he gets ready to leave he hears a car pull up by the gates, it’s mark. “get in loser we have to go to school” mark shouts from the window, jaemin smiles and reluctantly walks to get in. he sits by chenle who begins lecturing him about being outside in the park when it’s so cold out, jaemin laughs at the younger, but he can’t shake the feeling of sadness that jeno stood him up. immediately jaemin thought of the time he literally rushed to jeno when he was having an anxiety attack, yet jeno had just installed him with a sense of false hope? you could argue jaemin was slightly over-reacting, but he was to upset to even acknowledge why jeno might not be replying, instead thoughts that he wasn’t good enough began to consume his thoughts. he desperately wanted to ask donghyuck if he had heard from jeno, but then that would start the whole talk about jaemin having a crush on him. the rest of the ride was painful for jaemin, he was so hurt yet couldn’t even begin to explain to his friends why he was so upset.

the boys get to the cafeteria and jaemin begins to search for jeno, even if he didn’t see jeno in the cafeteria this morning, they had biology together later, so he would definitely see him then, however jaemin didn’t know if he could handle the confrontation. he picks at his sandwich and tries to force some down so he isn’t hungry later, but the sick feeling in his stomach overrides his previous hunger. he can’t even involve himself in the conversation. jaemin knew that jeno owed nothing to him, but perhaps it was because of his infatutaion that he held jeno up to an unrealistic status. as aforementioned, jaemin was heavily over-thinking, but this was due to these pent up feelings he had about jeno, he cared about jeno too much to just let this slide, and he hoped jeno cared about him enough to actually respond to him before they have to awkwardly sit together later on.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
it had gotten to 2pm and jaemin was outside of the biology department, he felt far too sick to even enter the classroom, in fear he would see jeno sat there surrounded by a bunch of new friends and that he had been pushed aside. he took several deep breaths before finally entering, and when he got in, jeno’s seat was empty… “do you perhaps know where jeno is ms??” jaemin asked the teacher, it was the best bet in seeing if jeno was just sick or if he had skipped the class to avoid jaemin. “i haven’t heard anything from the attendance admin, perhaps he’s just running late??” fuck. that was literally the LAST response jaemin wanted. he now had the perfect picture in his head that hungover jeno had woken up and seen his texts to jaemin, regretted them, and now wanted to avoid jaemin at all costs. jaemin slumped down onto his desk, all he wanted to do was sit and cry. if only this biology lesson included a section on how to handle emotions, because jaemin really needed that right now.

jaemin left the class at 4pm and was ready to go home, he was far too upset to stay and do some tutoring, he just wanted to crawl in bed and never been seen or heard of again. for some reason jaemin took an alternate route to meet mark, and by alternate, he purposely wanted to walk past the sports hall, to see if jeno had gone there for practice. he was profusely biting his lips in nerves as he made his way past the lockers, his heart was beating so fast it was about to come out of his chest. suddenly he is met with the double doors that lead to the sport department, did he really want to do this? did he really want to see jeno enjoying someone else’s company whilst ignoring his? jaemin tried to remove these negative thoughts, he didn’t want to jump to any conclusions because jeno deserved the right to explain himself too.  
however as jaemin peeked into the windows on the door, his worst nightmare became a reality. he saw jeno talking to a few of the seniors on his soccer team. his heart literally sank so fast, he wanted to run and cry, but also wanted to run in there and confront jeno. these mixture of emotions were disrupted when the doors loudly opened from behind causing jeno and his teammates to turn their attention to the small hallway jaemin was in. when his eyes met jeno’s that was it. the tears began to stream and as jeno seemed to be on his way to approach jaemin,, jaemin quickly just ran, he didn’t care where he was going, but as long as he didn’t have to face jeno in this state, he was going to run as far as he could.

jaemin was devastated, why would jeno ignore him all day? skip classes? one day they go from holding hands to jeno literally avoiding jaemin like the plague. he reached mark’s car got in the back and just cried, the other’s didn’t want to question it too soon, they knew jaemin needed time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so im so so sorry for not updating for like,, 2 weeks lol.  
> uni has been really eating all my time, but im caught up now and wanted to write!!  
> this is ANGST,, but the reason this is short is because there is two parts, i just wanted to be a bitch and add some tension!  
> also thank u so much for reading i rlly appreciate it!!
> 
> i have also tried to improve how i structure speech, and trying to add more connectives and stop being lazy lol  
> speaking of lazy, i didnt proof read this at all so if there's mistakes, oops xoxo
> 
> again thank u for reading this i love u and thanks for the kudos!!!! it means so much!!
> 
> p.s - title is fools by troye sivan xx


	5. without you, i'm colour blind

you know when you’ve cried so much you give yourself a headache and you tire yourself out to the point where you end up just sleeping for 10 hours? that was what jaemin has just done, he had gotten out of mark’s car, ran to his bed, and hadn’t moved since 4:30pm that afternoon. it was now 9pm, jaemin was hungry but he knew he would probably throw it up, he checked his phone for messages, he had received many from his conerned friends asking if he was ok, but none from jeno. that’s what hurt the most, jeno had literally seen jaemin cry and knew he was the cause of jaemin’s tears, but didn’t have the decency to reach out. jaemin went back to sleep, there wasn’t much point in being awake at that point, he just wanted to forget he even existed. 

\--

jeno’s pov!!

(texts from earlier that day, after jeno had texted jaemin asking to walk with him)

jeno(4:01am)  
hey hyuck i know it’s late, but i don’t think you and mark need to pick up jaemin tomorrow, just to save you on fuel xox

donghyuck(4:03am)  
uhh you mean it’s early headass, also why is that it’s too cold to let him walk

jeno(4:03am)  
i asked jaemin to walk to school with me tomorrow, you know i jus need the company

donghyuck(4:04am)  
just liked you needed the company leaving mark’s party just now??

 

jeno(4:05am)  
uhh yeah i didn’t want jaemin to die lol

donghyuck(4:07am)  
jeno,, we’ve been friends for a while now, please can i ask you a question…

jeno started to panic, did hyuck have him worked out? jeno didn’t want to come out like this, he wanted it to be natural and with all his loved ones, not embarassingly over text, especially when this was just a minor crush, and by minor crush, jaemin was literally jeno’s gay awakening. plus he feared how his soccer team would see him, gay people aren’t really reprsented in sports, partially because they’re all closted like jeno. he reluctantly replied to donghyuck, hoping it wasn’t going to end where he thought it was…

jeno(4:10am)  
uhh, sure??

donghyuck(4:12am)  
do you like jaemin? and let’s be honest, boys in general, i’ve never seen you so nice to someone before this isn’t just you trying to be his friend, you like him right??

and with that jeno tossed his phone out of his reach, he did not want to read anymore texts, no matter where they came from. all he could think now was that donghyuck knew, he was going to tell jaemin, and everyone in the school would find out. he would lose his place in the soccer team, his parents would hate him, and more importantly, jaemin would be creeped out, reject him, and never talk to him again. the stress was becoming too much for jeno, his chest was getting tighter as he tried to catch his breath. he didn’t know what to do, he immediately began creating conclusions in his head, but had no answers on how to handle the situation.

jeno must have dozed off at some point during his anxiety ridden situation with donghyuck that night. he had overslept for school, it was almost 2pm and he was meant to have been there at 8. he opened his phone and saw messages from jaemin,, who had accepted his offer to walk. oh fuck no. jeno literally felt sick at the thought, he hadn’t replied to jaemin because he had a stress nap, and now it was too late for him to even get to his 2pm class with jaemin, and too late now to awkwardly reply to jaemin apologising. hyuck had also left some messages, as if his anxiety couldn’t get worse..

donghyuck(4:17am)  
jeno?? you there??

donghyuck(8:12am)  
ok so im sorry for asking so directly when you were still drunk and shit, you aren’t in our class now and ms.park highkey be going off, this bitch is ready to hit someone, i assume you’re still asleep so ill come round to your house after school, we can talk this through, i know you need it xxx

jeno needed an escape, he didn’t want to be at home when donghyuck came round, if he timed it right, he could go to school at 3:30pm, hide in the sports department and wait til 4 for his soccer practice. that way jaemin wouldn’t see him as he goes the other way to walk home, and donghyuck would be greeted by jeno’s parents say he was at soccer practice. he hated doing this, but he was far too nervous, he didn’t want to face either of his friends.   
\--  
jeno reaches the sports hall on time, he greets some of his friends as he enters the locker room, he changes into his soccer kit, he was on his own which sadly forced him to be left to his own devices, and now he was reflecting on how he had made bad decisions that day. he should’ve jus told jaemin he overslept, but no, he had interally forced himself to avoid jaemin so that he didn’t have to face rejection. he heads back on to the court and begins to dribble the ball in practice for later on, again all he could think about was jaemin, and the time jaemin had helped him out when he was dissasociating with his soccer friends that day, but he hadn’t he even responded to jaemin.   
part way through the exercises, the captain shouts everyone over, they do a headcount and realise a few people are missing, so he says he’ll wait and everyone just begins to talk about random things from which cheerleaders they’ve been with to what they did over the weekend. as they were waiting they heard a loud bang come from outside, it was the vice-captain of the team, as everyone drew their attention to him, jeno saw the most heartbreaking thing one could ever witness. jaemin crying.

as the others in the room began discussing tactics for their upcoming game, jeno breaks away to try and go after jaemin, he had never felt such regret and sadness in his life. “only i could make the sweetest boy on the planet cry” jeno thought to himself. as he reached the door jaemin was already gone. in all honesty, jeno didn’t even know what he would have said to jaemin, how could he even defend himself or form an apology when he was 100% in the wrong? he hears the whistle from the corridor signalling him in, he walked back completely heartbroken and on the verge of tears, he should’ve just stayed in bed.

practice ended late at 7pm, as much as jeno tried, he could not get jaemin out of his head. the only good news he’d received was that he was being put on the school’s soccer team. how we would love nothing more than to have jaemin watch him at one of his games. but he already came to the conclusion jaemin probably never wanted to see his face again. jeno puts his music on and sulks down the hallway. his soccer friends invited him out with them to get icecream but he really couldn’t bring himself to go, he genuinely hasn’t felt this bad in a long time. he reaches the door and see’s it’s raining. pathetic fallacy was really making herself known. he didn’t have a coat or umbrella, so he was prepared to have his hair ruined and probably catch a cold.

jeno gets home around 8pm, he took the long route so he had more of a chance to fully be sad and finish his sad playlist to further emphasise his feelings. jeno was absolutely drenched and just wanted to get into bed, until he hears his mum’s voice; “donghyuck came around earlier but you were at practice so i told him to come back around 9”. well jeno’s plans to sleep were quashed, as he’s heading upstairs he passes his step-brother doyoung, who immediately notices how drained jeno is, “let’s go into my room and chat ok?”.

jeno fidgets nervously on doyoung’s bed, he had no energy to discuss his feelings but he knew he was about to get questioned nontheless; “jaehyun told me about practice today, he said you seemed off” doyoung was concerned, he was his brother after all. “honestly i was just hungover and tired i’ll be fine when i get some sleep” jeno was only half-lying, he wanted sleep, but also felt ill because of the guilt of his situation with jaemin. it made jeno realise two things, that people picked up on his emotions more than he thought, and two, doyoung knew jaehyun? “wait how do you know jaehyun?” jeno tried to divert the conversation, but he was also curious. “well i care about you so i befriended the captain of the team to have a check on you that doesn’t require me to have to enter the sports department” doyoung was visibly flustered, and with that the attention was turned back on jeno. “anway it doesn’t matter how i know jaehyun, it’s you i care about and i won’t let you leave until you tell me what’s going on” doyoung was firm yet caring with his tone, jeno knows doyoung was only getting like this because of how much he cared for him. “well-“, jeno gulped, he really trusted his brother, but he didn’t have the courage yet to actually tell him he was gay, “i have a crush on someone, and im afraid ive upset them and i don’t know what to do”, thank god jeno was able to get that out, missing the crucial detail that his crush was jaemin. “oh my jeno you have a crush!?!, that’s amazing you have to tell me everything!!” 

his brother was clearly ecstatic, but jeno had to bring him down to earth, “yeah but i won’t have this crush much longer if i don’t find a way to apologise, for accidentally ignoring them”, it was hard to get the last bit of his sentence out, but he did and it lowkey helped him come to terms with everything. “well i think you should be honest and explain why, because it’s hurtful and wrong to lie to someone, especially if your crush might already know information you think they don’t. whoever your crush is please text them now, organise to meetup or whatever” he was so happy at this moment to have doyoung, he was simple and also blunt with him, he wasn’t going to go round the houses to give him an answer. “thank you doyoung, i really appreciate it.” jeno was sincere in his tone, because he really was greaftful. “well i have to go now and meet someone, we can talk about this tomorrow ok?” and with that doyoung was at the door and grabbing his jacket ready to leave, “ you’ve got this jeno, i trust you”. jeno takes his words in, he looks out of the window to see a car pulling from the pavement, he could swear that was jaehyun’s car, but he wasn’t going to start thinking about his brother’s love life, he has better things to worry about, jaemin.  
jeno walks to his room, already going through opening texts for jaemin, as he reaches his room he receives a text;

donghyuck (9:09pm)  
hey nojam im outside your mum told me to come back xx

fuck. he forgot hyuck was coming back, jeno quickly collects himself and goes to the front door to let hyuck in. “wow you DO look like you’re going through it” was the first thing to come out of hyuck’s mouth, and he wasn’t wrong, “nice to see you too donghyuck, let’s go to my room i can’t let my mum see me like this again she’ll start questioning me”

they were both lay on jeno’s bed, it was silent for a moment, neither of them knew where to start, jeno didn’t know what donghyuck knew, and he didn’t want to bring something up that hyuck might not knohw. “so jeno,, you’re close to jaemin right?” hyuck sat up, now facing jeno, “well i’d say so, he’s been one of my closest friends since i moved here” jeno answered quietly, his nerves rising awaiting the next question,, “so can you tell me why jaemin got into the back of mark’s car tonight and sobbed the whole way home?” jeno felt the guilt rushing in again, everyone knew he was the reason jaemin was so upset. “long story short i woke up late, missed class, woke up too late to meet jaemin, felt so bad that i avoided him so i didn’t have to see him upset, he came to the sports hall, saw me, and i just saw him cry, fuck hyuck i feel so fucking bad” jeno was getting himself panicked and was breathing rapidly. “jeno,, calm down. i do not want you to have an asthma attack over a mistake, you need to text jaemin right now and apologise” hyuck was assuring, which gave jeno hope jaemin would forgive him.

jeno (9:36pm)  
hi jaem,, i know its late and i should’ve done this so much earlier but i want you to know i wasn’t ignoring you today, i felt guilty because i slept through both your text messages and our bio class at 2pm,, and then i went to practice to avoid people questioning me, and because i wanted to get to first team. nothing has hurt me more in my life than seeing you cry, and knowing i’m the reason i have to make it up to you, i can take you to the café for the milkshake you like, please jaemin i really need you to know how much i care for you and that next time i’ll just be honest with you that my sleep schedule was fucked and i felt bad, i wish i could say sorry 100x more, sorry jaemin :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok im sorry that the angst is continuing lol it hurts to write too!
> 
> also teasing dojae aka the superior ship!
> 
> simon says WENT OFF, everyone say thank you taeil for that high note, also taeyong has me on my uwu shit lately 
> 
> uni has been rlly kicking my ass! i wrote this 2k update instead of my essay but honestly i needed to escape from academic writing for a bit. next chapter should hopefully be next week, and she won't be as angsty lol
> 
> its also 4am and ive not proofread this so sorry if its bad xoxo
> 
> thank you for those still reading and leaving kudos ily!!
> 
> the chapter title comes from blue by troye ft alex hope, speaking of troye, who is my literal gay muse, I GOT TICKETS TO GO SEE HIM IN CONCERT!!! im genuinely so happy to see him lmao


	6. as you liberate me now, and the walls come down

“hyuck i feel so bad, what if he hates me??” jeno was fully crying now, unable to hide the hurt he had caused jaemin. donghyuck again focused his attention on jeno; “i don’t think he hates you jeno, but you can understand why he’s upset and that it might take him some time to come round?” hyuck tried to deliver his message in the nicest way possible, to prevent the stream of jeno’s tears turning into a river. “yes i do understand, but i also don’t know what i would do if he hated me i care too much i” the panic was prevalent in jeno’s voice. “jeno listen to me, let’s wait for his reply and we can take it from there ok? there is no point working yourself up about something that you don’t know the outcome of yet, calm down ok?”,, jeno gave a slow clearly drained nod, the boy just needed to sleep but with all this weighing on him and the fact hyuck had come over to his house so late, he just needed to sort it out so he could be alone for a while. “thank you for helping me hyuck i really appreciate it, did you come round just to discuss the jaemin situation or was it about earlier this morning..” jeno was cautious with his words, he remembered among the blur of his feelings that hyuck had messaged him asking if jeno was gay, and more importantly, was he attracted to jaemin. “well this jaemin situation kinda confirmed my thoughts, my gaydar is too strong for you to avert it jeno i’m just too talented” donghyuck came out with it quickly, he himself knew how hard it was to come out and find acceptance, so he wanted to try and make it a better and easier experience for jeno, who was closeted and clearly confused that he’d developed this feelings for another boy. at first jeno wanted to completely refute what hyuck was saying, but his heart was telling him a different story, he simply looked up at donghyuck and smiled, he had no other response other than to smile at the humorous yet comforting way hycuk had phrased his thoughts. “listen jeno, i know it’s going to be hard at first but your secret is safe with me, you tell whoever you want whenever you feel comfortable, don’t let anyone force you or change you, i love you”, and with hyuck’s words the tears again began to stream softly down jeno’s cheeks, but this time it was in happiness and relief. jeno sat up and gave donghyuck the tightest and most loving hug he could ever give, “what would i do without you hyuck?”, to which hyuck laughed and replied; “you would have probably turned out emotionally stable”, both boys laugh and in that moment jeno was happy, he was happy to finally be himself, especially around someone as important to him as hyuck was being his best friend. “so now we can finally talk about boys, do you have a crush on jaemin?”, jeno tried not to make eye contact but it was already very clear from the smile forming on his face that he was very much in love with na jaemin, and he finally had someone he could share that with.

it seemed like forever since jeno had been a crying mess wanting to cease to exist, even if it had just been 20 minutes. he was now deep into a ted talk with donghyuck about jaemin, “don’t you just love his pink hair? it matches his sweet smile, and he’s always smiling i can’t get enough”-,, hyuck couldn’t help but admire the admiration in jeno’s eyes, seeing him truly happy was what was most important, but it was potentially about to reach it’s end. jeno’s phone vibrated on his desk, his eyes immediately dart to hyuck who looked equally as nervous about the text. “oh god, what if it’s jaemin??” jeno’s chest tightened and his breathing increased, he was scared he was about to have another panic attack. “do you want me to read it first, and if it’s bad we can go from there, if it’s good i’ll probably scream hallelujah, seem like a plan?” although jeno really wanted to be the first person to read the message, he seriously didn’t think he’d be able to even comprehend holding his phone, nevermind read a text from jaemin telling him how much he hated him. “ok, ok we can do that”. 

donghyuck grabbed the phone from jeno’s desk, his hands slightly shakey as he grasped it. as much as he didn’t want to think of the worst, now that he had seen the extent of jeno’s devotion and care to jaemin, he knew a bad response would kill jeno. but he also trusted jaemin. like jeno said, jaemin was one of the sweetest people they had ever met, and if jaemin cared for jeno like jeno cared for him, he would hopefully agree to meet with jeno. the glare of the screen shone on hyuck’s cheek as he began to read the message

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
jaemin’s pov!  
night had quickly come around and jaemin was still lay in bed, he was still hurt and his eyes were puffy from crying. he just wanted to know why jeno had ignored him all day, and even more, if jeno even cared for him. he hadn’t looked at his phone in a while, he didn’t want renjun saying “told you so” about jeno probably being straight, he didn’t want sympathty, he just wanted to forget that boys exist. after staring at the ceiling for a while he succumbed and grabbed his phone, he swore renjun must have sent him a hundred tweets as he was going through his notifications, probably to try and cheer him up, and then he saw a text, it was from jeno. as he read through he couldn’t help but feel slightly less upset. in the text jeno explained about sleeping through and seemed like he genuinely wanted to make it up with jaemin. jaemin knew jeno wouldn’t have done anything on purpose, and whether he was straight or not, jaemin wanted to maintain his friendship with jeno, and he knew that if he didn’t reply soon, jeno was probably going to be really anxious. with this jaemin realised how much he really cared for jeno, although jaemin himself was upset, he couldn’t imagine how guilty jeno felt too, and he would never want jeno to feel anything but happy, so he began typing a message to jeno, he really wanted to make this work, he loved jeno. 

\---------------------------

jeno pov!!

jaemin(10:22pm)  
jeno it’s ok, please don’t panic or worry yourself, i care about you a lot and know you would never intentially hurt me, let’s meet tomorrow at the shake shack in town? for tonight plesase get some rest i care about you too much and don’t want you to be ill, i’ll see you tomorrow jeno~

hyuck’s face lit up reading the message, jaemin stop being such a sweetheart challenge FAILED. he passed the phone over to jeno, who’s reaction mirrored hyuck’s knowing jaemin didn’t hate him and that he wanted to sort things out. “hyuck i don’t think i’ve ever been so happy in my entire life?” jeno was so relieved jaemin still wanted to be his friend, and he would set one million alarms to make sure he woke up on time tomorrow.

jeno(10:25pm)  
sounds like a plan, thank u so much jaemin i could literally cry, but i seriously don’t think i have any tears left xxx

it was only after he hit send that he realised he’d left kisses on the end of his text, he could quickly say no homo, but he didn’t want that, so he left them and hoped jaemin wouldn’t be creeped out. with that he set 30 alarms on his phone and went to sleep, he couldn’t wait to see jaemin tomorrow, and he would literally walk to the ends of the earth to make sure jaemin was happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so the angst should be over now, it physically pains me to write angst as i also feel the angst lol  
> the coming out was kinda hard to write, as someone ALSO closeted (to my parents lmao), coming out to friends is very hard at times, and thankfully like jeno here, my friends are very lovely and supportive and i care for them so much!!
> 
> sorry this update is a bit shorter too, but i wanted to put this context in and the story can start with the slow burn again lol  
> i am gonna reply to comments tomorrow too as ive finally worked up some courage and finished uni for the winter!
> 
> in typical fashion it's 5am and i haven't proof read this, i will write this fic during sociable hours some time hopefully
> 
> thank u for leaving comments and kudos it is very much appreciated ily!! the title of this chapter comes from revelation by troye for the movie boy erased. speaking of gay movies, i watched call me by your name last week and it was so good i deffo reccomend!!
> 
> buenas noches xx


	7. gotta be there for me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw!!! some conversations abt anxiety!

it was 6am and jeno was restless, donghyuck had left hours ago and he knew he had to be up to meet jaemin in the afternoon, but he could just not sleep. he’d spent most the night tossing and turning with every situation playing in his head, varying from him and jaemin suddenly falling in love to jaemin not even turning up. he shut his eyes again hoping to get at least 5 or so hours before he had to leave, anything at this point would help. jeno had never been so nervous for something in his life, the mixture of butterflies in his stomach coupled with the sickness he felt in his throat, it was all becoming too much, but the last thing he wanted to do was postpone his what he would like to think of as a ‘date’ with jaemin. for third time in 10 minutes jeno tried to get some sleep, even though he knew at this point it probably wouldn’t happen.

\-------------

jaemin pov!!  
although he had set on 12pm to meet jeno at the shake shack, he was there at 10am, utterly nervous and unable to sit at home and wait for it to reach 12pm. he wasn’t eating or drinking, partially because he wanted to wait for jeno, but mostly because he felt far too sick to stomach anything. around him there were many couples causing his jealousy to jump out. it was a popular place for people to take their boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s, which lowkey made jaemin wonder why jeno recommended the shake shack? i mean everyone knew jaemin loved milkshake, but there were many other places jeno could’ve offered that didn’t have that ‘romantic link’ this place had. but jaemin tried to pay it little attention. to calm his nerves he was texting renjun, who was fully aware of the situation and was very close to coming to the shake shack himself to kill jeno for hurting his best friend. 

renjun(10:12am)  
you remember where jeno lives right?

jaemin(10:13am)  
roughly, why??

renjun(10:15am)  
if he doesn’t turn up ill beat him in that pretty little pantry of his

jaemin(10:16am)  
omg injun calm down he seemed really sorry, i trust him, also your jealousy over his pantry is so evident rn

renjun(10:17am)  
you know how much i want a pantry jaemin. anyway i hope jeno does the right thing, if he doesn’t i will choke him with a basketball net xoxo

jaemin(10:18am)  
somehow you’re making my nerves worse thanks xx  
as he was being “comforted” by renjun another text comes through his phone, it’s donghyuck..

donghyuck(10:20am)  
hi jaemin i asked mark for your number, i know you’re meeting with him today, please give him a chance this boy was literally crying on my shoulder for 40 minutes, boy only stopped because he was straight up dehydrated. he cares about u a lot so please be nice to him xx

jaemin re-read the text several times, it was weird for him to hear about jeno crying considering he usually bottled his emotions, and also crying,, over him? he really did care, and it only solidified jaemin’s intentions to leave the shake shack friends with jeno. 

jaemin(10:25am)  
don’t worry hyuck, my exact plan was to be nice to him, thanks for letting me know tho, jeno is rlly lucky to have such a caring friend 

with that jaemin went back to sitting nervously, a bit more than before because now he really wanted to just hug jeno, maybe even the k word, but that thought quickly got pushed into the back of his head.   
\--------------------------  
12pm hit and jaemin was practically shaking. he wanted to vomit so badly at that moment, he had no idea what he would do when jeno walked in, right now he wanted to just hide under the counter and cry. as much as he was nervous, his eyes were fixated on the door, waiting for jeno. he had already been receiving weird looks from the staff and other customers as he had been sat in there 2 hours without ordering, and jaemin did not want to have to embarrass himself and leave alone after all that time. but like some god was answering his prayer, jeno entered. he looked so tired, his eyes were both puffy from crying and sunken with dark circles underneath, probably from jeno’s lack of sleep. his hait was slightly messy and ruffled, but jaemin found it so cute on him. as he approached he could smell jeno’s perfume, the usual “manly” scent that all the guys who did sports wore. he was in his oversized hoodie and ripped jeans, further adding to his tired yet comfortable looking aesthetic. without making any gesture jeno sat infront of jaemin in their booth, it took a few seconds but they both finally made eye contact.

“jaemin, thank you much for coming” jeno was already choking up. he was still emotionally upset and because he never did manage to get any sleep, he was somewhat in a delirious state and his emotions were all over the place. “do you want anything with your milkshake? i can buy you some fruits if you like?” jeno seemed insistent on buying jaemin’s drink and snack, so jaemin let him do so; “that would be perfect”, and within seconds jeno is at the counter and once he’s talking to the cashier, jaemin immediately texts renjun.

jaemin(12:13pm)  
renjun!! jeno got here and he looks so ill and tired idk what to do…

renjun(12:15pm)  
i bet he’s been up playing fortnite, make him suffer

jaemin(12:15pm)  
sound advice renjun thank you so much!! xxx

jaemin couldn’t stand to see jeno SO tired, the way he looked reminded jaemin of the time he went to go get him from having an anxiety attack with this soccer teammates. he knew that this was more than just jeno ‘staying up late’, there was something on his mind and he wanted to make sure jeno was ok. jaemin made his way over to the cashier and asked if the drinks could be takeaway instead, jeno looked confused at jaemin wondering all of a sudden why they had to leave. “i still want to talk jeno, but we could go to my place if you want?” jaemin hoped jeno would say yes, for the sake of his health, “cool cool”.

thankfully jaemin only lived a few minutes away from the centre, so the walk home wasn’t excruciatingly painful, even if it was in total silence. jaemin took jeno into his room and sat him on his bed, jeno had already finished his entire milkshake through nerves, jaemin hadn’t even touched his, but for the exact same reason as jeno, nerves. jaemin decided he would lead the conversation, as jeno seemed far too drained right now to even collect his thoughts. “so jeno, now we know what happened, i know you never wanted to hurt me and we all make mistakes, we can go back to how we were?” jaemin was gentle with his words, as donghyuck had wanted, however, jeno had his face facing downward, small tears trickling down his delicate cheeks. “jaemin i am so sorry, i shouldn’t have ignored you all day, i should’ve told you the truth, but when i woke up and realised what i did i just started to panic as usual, i’m so stupid”, jeno was softly crying, he didn’t have the energy to fully cry like he wanted to. “jeno you’re not stupid, i know what it’s like to take a situation and create it into a much bigger issue than it is, i know you too well jeno, i know you only reacted the way you did because you were scared and never wanted to hurt me.” jaemin really wanted to rationalise the situation for jeno so he didn’t feel as bad, but jeno had big heart energy and jaemin knew it was going to be hard to convince him. “jaemin.. i’m so lucky to have you i don’t deserve you i’m so sorry..” and within seconds jeno had his arms wrapped around jaemin, resting his head in the crook of jaemin’s neck. still quietly sobbing in the process. it was at this point jaemin was panicking, he didn’t know whether to let go of jeno or to try and change the conversation to stop the hug. but he realised at that point, jeno needed his support, so he did what he didn’t think he had the bravery to do, pull him in closer. jaemin could smell the scent of strawberries from jeno’s shampoo, it made him slightly chuckle that soccer ace lee jeno tried to smell like every other guy on the surface, but deep down, he was so sweet. jaemin pulled away and held jeno by his shoulders, “ok jeno now we have that sorted and i forgive you, how about you stay in my bed and get some sleep??” this is why jaemin decided to come back, so jeno could actually rest, he had come to the conclusion jeno had been up all night likely nervous and over-thinking as he always did, it was probably the same thing he did when he was originally meant to meet with jaemin. jeno gave a very exhausted nod and began to take off his shoes before speaking up, “will you sit next to me jaemin?”, he asked it so naturally, jaemin was extremely flustered and couldn’t hide it. “o-of course”. jaemin moved over to the bed and rested his back on the pillow, he sat up humming soft melodies hoping it would get jeno to sleep.

within minutes jeno was fast asleep, jaemin could not imagine how tired jeno had been but he was happy that he wad finally getting much needed rest. jaemin couldn’t help but stare at jeno, he was so beautiful and he wasn’t aware at all the effect he had on jaemin. all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around jeno and fall asleep by his side. even jaemin himself was getting slightly sleepy, he had been up since 5am, but he didn’t tell jeno because he didn’t want to worry him. not long after, jaemin fell into slumber too.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

jaemin woke up around 3pm from his nap, as he went to move, he found that jeno in his sleep, had rested his head on jaemin’s shoulder. he was still sound asleep and jaemin didn’t want to wake him, because he didn’t want jeno to move and wanted him to stay with him. he decided he would wait it out, however he didn’t want jeno to sleep too long and ruin his sleep schedule. “jeno, jeno”, jaemin whispered hoping to make the boy budge but to no avail. he began to move jeno from his shoulder, hoping the suddent movement would wake him, which it thankfully did. “what t-time is it??” jeno asked in a hazey state after just getting up from his nap. “it just passed 3pm, i didn’t want you sleeping all day, do you need anything??”, to which jeno simply asked for a glass of water, and whilst jaemin left the room, he really thought to himself, although he and jaemin had made up, he never really asked why jaemin was so upset. jaemin was always there for jeno and was always the one supporting him, jeno felt so guilty for rarely asking jaemin about his feelings, and decided he would do so when jaemin brought back his drink.

the boys sat down on jaemin’s bed, where jaemin was explaining the stuff jeno had missed in their spanish class; “so if you conjugate the verb tener into tengo, it means i hav—” jeno motioned to cut jaemin off, his gut wrenching over the feeling that he might potentially make things worse; “i know what i did was wrong and i know you forgive me, but i really wanna know why you were upset. was it just me or?” jeno really wanted to learn more about jaemin, and by getting jaemin to open up to him, it introduces that level of trust jeno desires. it went silent for a couple minutes, jeno feared he was successful in ruining the entire goal of their day, that was until jaemin spoke up; “well, it’s just im very used to being left out you know? im always the last person to find out about anything. i just have this huge paranoia that people hate me. its happened so many times where ive made plans and people cancel and then i find them with someone else, someone better than me..” jeno attentively listened to jaemin, jeno was even more hurt now knowing that people have upset jaemin, and haven’t even cared to make it up with him. he nodded, letting jaemin continue, “when i saw you that day in the gymnasium after missing our plans to walk, my heart really did fall, i seriously thought you hated me like everyone else has in the past. it hurt me so much because although im somewhat used to it by now, you were the last person i wanted to lose you know?” jaemin eyes began to fill up, jeno had no idea that over this short time, both of them had built such a strong dependency to each other, jeno had never felt a connection to someone like the connection he felt to jaemin. “jaemin, i would never hate you. you are the only thing keeping me in school, actually, in this town in general. i’ll never let you go, i promise” jeno felt himself getting emotional, but he held it back because he wanted to be there for jaemin. “thank you jeno, im so happy to have you” and this time is was jaemin nestled into jeno sharing an embrace. as they pulled from the hug they made eye contact. immediately both went into internal panic, not knowing that the feeling was mutual. “im gonna head home now and continue my nap, would you like to try walking together again?” jeno asked with a somewhat nervous tone, knowing he had to distract from his urges to kiss jaemin. “sure, i’ll see you then!”, jaemin walked jeno to the front door getting his belongings for him. jeno gave jaemin another quick hug as he made his way towards the steps. once jaemin closed the door behind him, he practically sprinted home. he just wanted to gush to donghyuck about everything that just happened. 

jeno(03:49pm)  
hyuck im gonna mcburst

donghyuck(03:49pm)  
THANK FUCK I HAVE HAD MY PHONE IN MY HANDS SINCE 12 WAITING FOR U

jeno(03:50pm)  
me and jaemin are cool now, and by cool i mean we made eye contact and ive never wanted to k*ss a boy so bad

donghyuck(03:51pm)  
UMM SO WHY DIDN’T U??

jeno(03:52pm)  
i, i don’t think he likes me like that

donghyuck(03:54pm)  
gay, denial of feelings and wanting to kiss na jaemin, wow you fit all these boxes?

jeno(03:55pm)  
nah but seriously hyuck, how do i work out if someone is gay??

donghyuck(03:56pm)  
kiss them and see what happens??

jeno(03:59pm)  
bro fuckin thank u, amazing advice, gonna use that on everyone :(

donghyuck(04:01pm)  
trust me, you’ll work it out soon enough

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

jaemin (03:44pm)  
ok renjun, jeno just left and i cant feel my right lung

 

renjun(03:46pm)  
omg what the fuck did he do im gonna mcbatter him

jaemin(03:48pm)  
one more act of violence and im revoking the friendship

renjun(03:50pm)  
fine, tell me what happened xx

jaemin(03:51pm)  
well when we got back we chatted for a bit, made up, and then he fell asleep and i woke up with him resting on my shoulder

renjun(03:52pm)  
so he looked at ur shoulder and said free real estate?

jaemin(03:53pm)  
STOP. yes, so we woke up, and then he he asked me abt my feelings, which u kno i NEVER talk abt, and then we made like weird eye contact…

renjun(03:55pm)  
ok what spell does he have u under? first getting you to open up? and second the fact yalls almost kissed?

jaemin(03:56pm)  
we didn’t kiss remember he’s straight, sadly. and ikr my ass was shook actually not bottling things away

renjun(03:57pm)  
what makes you think he’s straight?

jaemin(03:57pm)  
u said so??

renjun(03:58pm)  
well,, mayhaps my gaydar is not as accurate u feel?

jaemin(04:02pm)  
so NOW you decide, how do i even find out if he’s gay?

renjun(04:02pm)  
well, if you would have stepped up and give him a smooch, maybe u would know xx

jaemin(04:03pm)  
i hate u xoxo

it was later into the evening, and jaemin was snuggling into bed. as he was getting wrapped up in his blankets, he noticed that instead of smelling like lavender, they smelled strongly of jeno’s perfume. he held the blankets close to his chest, how we wishes it was jeno there right now, not just his straight boy perfume. however, he vowed to never wash the blankets, he never wanted to lose that scent. with jeno now on his mind (as if he wasn’t on it 24 hours a day anyway), jaemin decides to text him;

jaemin(11:23pm)  
i just wanted to thank u again for today jeno, i really did mean it when i said im thankful for you

jeno(11:25pm)  
i highkey just woke up LOL, but honestly its no problem, ur always helping me i want to do the same for u and make sure ur ok xx

jaemin notices the kisses on jeno’s text again, the first time he thought it was just an accident, but perhaps if he also added kisses, he could see if it really was an accident.

jaemin(11:28pm)  
ye i never really talk about my feelings, the stuff i said today about my fear of being hated and the parnoia and anxiety i get with it, ive only ever told to like you, renjun and briefly mark xx

jeno(11:30pm)  
i feel that, no one else really knows, or even understands my anxiety other than u, i bet ur tired jaemin pls get some sleep xx  
fuck, jeno was back at it again with the kisses. jaemin didn’t mind this at all. 

jaemin(11:32pm)  
yeah my eyes are actually closing as im typing, ill see u on monday?? xx

jeno(11:35pm)  
ofc!! im looking forward to seeing u, hopefully im not sleep deprived, if i am i give u full permission to beat my ass, gn nana xxx

sleepy boy jaemin suddenly snapped out of his state of tiredness. not only had jeno given him kisses, but a WHOLE NICKNAME?!? NANA. jaemin was literally about to scream from excitement, his heart was so full

jaemin(11:40pm)  
gn jeno xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some fluff for yall!!
> 
> this took me a while to write as my writers block has been kinda insane, but i just busted this 3k update out lmao
> 
> thank u for all the kudos!! it is very much appreciated and literally makes my day so thank you!!
> 
> im hoping ill have this done before 2019? but no promises there djkdjd im sorry
> 
> chapter title comes from troye ft martin garrix - there for you!


	8. anything it takes to make you stay

it had soon reached monday and jaemin’s alarm sounded at 6am ready for him to go to school. he and jeno were meeting up, jaemin didn’t want to admit it, but he still had deep-rooted nerves in the fact jeno might not show up, but he wanted to trust him and therefore pushed the thoughts to the back of his head. due to the fact he and jeno would be walking together, he wanted to look as good as possible, whether jeno was straight or not, he wanted to test the waters. renjun himself had even said he might've read jeno wrong and he might not be het after all, so with that jaemin decided there was no harm in trying to look more put together, even if it was just a normal monday in school.   
jaemin was wearing his sofy baby-pink sweater layered with a button-up white shirt underneath, pink had always been his favourite color, and to be honest, jaemin had always been someone who loved embracing colours and trying to be as bright as possible. jeno was the complete opposite, as with the exception of his soccer uniform, jaemin doesn’t think he had seen jeno wear color since they met. how could walking pride flag jaemin fall for someone as plain as jeno, perhaps it’s the fact he’s completely whipped for him jaemin thought to himself. 

jaemin had finished getting ready by 6:40, he still had almost an hour until he met jeno, he tried to do everything he could to pass time, from changing his hairstyle to re-organizing his entire bag, jaemin hadn’t been this nervous for a while, he felt like he was going on a date rather than just a casual walk to school. he decided to sit on the end of his bed, just thinking of how the day would go. jeno could turn up to his house with a ring and propose marriage, or he could show up and embarrass jaemin for the weird eye contact yesterday. fuck. now jaemin realised where the nerves were coming from. it was the fact that he and jeno potentially almost kissed yesterday. what if jeno remembered and now was really creeped out about jaemin and never wanted to see him again? jeno could be planning to tell the school how some freak tried to kiss him. deep down he knew jeno would never be THAT mean, but it’s easy to let your mind wander when you have time and nerves to play with.  
\--  
it had finally reached 7:30am and jaemin decided to wait outside for jeno. it was winter now and jaemin was freezing, but he didn’t want a coat to ruin the perfect outfit he chose out. as he stepped further down the steps in the distance, he see’s a figure, head to toe dressed in a black and white supreme hoodie, black ripped jeans and a black coat, thank god, it was jeno. (even if he did look like a hypebeast). “hey jaem, sorry im late i went to starbucks, i got you the americano you like with like 800 shots” jeno seemed happy today, which already made jaemin’s nerves disappear. “haha thank you, yeah i do really like my coffee, my mum always tells my how bad it is for me” jaemin thought to himself, how did jeno know his starbucks order when they had never even been to starbucks together before?? jaemin likes to think that jeno went out of his way to ask someone about it, or perhaps jeno just saw he had an americano once and asked the barista to add 100 more espresso shots. 

as they were walking and jeno was rambling about some match he had on overwatch the night previous, jaemin found it extremely difficult to pay attention, as he was so cold, and partially because he had literally no interest in overwatch, but this would be another thing he’d learn to love jeno for. “so this dude had it out for me and even though he was on our team, he would never heal me?? i was jus straight up dying everytime??- jaemin,, are you cold??”, jeno added it to the conversation abruptly, he had probably noticed the way jaemin’s teeth were chattering as it was single degrees celcius outside. “n-no it’s fine we’re almost-“ and before jaemin even had chance to finish his sentence, jeno had stopped to take his coat off and was currently placing it over jaemin. “i’m sorry to have to cover your cute outfit up with my coat but i won’t have you dying of hypothermia just to look sweet” jeno just came out with it so naturally. this was yet another thing that tugged on jaemin’s heart strings, the fact that jeno said the sweetest and kindest things so obliviously. from the day they met where jeno said how sweet he and mark were, he always had a soft spot for jeno’s random comments that made his heart flutter. “thank y-you, once we get to school you can have it straight back” jaemin really was thankful, he didn’t feel like he was about to get frostbite anymore. “no it’s ok, keep it all day for when you have to walk between lessons and stuff” jeno delivered it with a cute smile as always. they both continued there walk to school and once got there separated for their respective classes, but just as jaemin is about to walk away jeno quickly grabs jaemin’s hand. “do you want to meet up for lunch?? i have a free period so we could go somewhere nicer than the cafeteria”. jaemin was in panic mode, not only was jeno’s soft skin touching his, but from what he saw jeno was practically asking him on a date. “sure that would be great, meet back here at 1?” jaemin was surprised he even managed to get that out of his mouth without actually screaming. “cool, see you then” and jeno walked down the hall to meet all his weird jock friends. jaemin was still processing the whole ordeal as he got to class and sat down next to renjun, who was giving him a very suspecting look.

“hey renjun how are y-“ jaemin was very quickly cut off, and was evidently about to receive 50 questions from renjun. “who’s jacket is that and why the hell do you smell like you just came from the het boy perfume aisle?”. “it’s jeno’s, we walked to school together and he leant me his coat for the day because of it being so cold” jaemin wasn’t sure why renjun was so pressed, but he wasn’t going to interrupt renjun’s q&a session yet. “well why didn’t you bring your own coat? when i saw you in that black coat jaem i almost died, you never wear black” he wasn’t sure at this point what renjun was more upset about, the fact it was jeno’s coat or the fact it was black. “trust me, this is the last time you will ever see me wear black how do you think i feel?” jaemin played along to renjun’s joke, but renjun still didn’t seem like he was done questioning jaem. “so, what’s the situation with you and jeno now?? are you gonna smooch him after school or what?” jaemin quickly shut renjun up, afriad that he was being too loud and that people in the class would hear and start questioning them. “i’m not kissing him after school, but we are meeting up for lunch” jaemin still felt butterflies saying that, it wasn’t like it was even an official date, but jaemin would like to think it was. “well good luck with that, remember we have the rehearsal at 1pm for the play next month?” renjun tried to say it with some empathy, as he realisd jaemin’s plans for a “date” had now fallen apart. “fuck, can you not just do it without me for one week i promise i’ll make it up to you” jaemin was practically begging, as much as he loved the theatre group he was in, he also really wanted to make things work with jeno, and he was already to hung up on jeno to back out of the lunch plans now. “just tell jeno you’re busy at lunch and then meet him another time?”

“i can’t renjun, he has soccer afterwards and when he’s finished i know he’ll just want to sleep” jaemin’s mood went from ecstatic to ever so unhappy, the universe really didn’t want him to have a boyfriend. “you can’t miss it jaem, look jeno will understand just message him ok i know you’re upset but it’s not like this lunch would’ve been the last time you ever saw him”. jaemin knew renjun was right, so he pulled out his phone and began typing the message;

jaemin (8:09am)  
hey jeno im really sorry im gonna have to cancel lunch, i have my theatre club today and i completely forgot, if you want to meet some other time im down, im sorry uwu

jeno(8:10am)  
it's ok nana!! if you want we can still meet tonight after i’ve had my soccer practice? my parents are attending my brothers presentation so i’ll be home alone we can watch movies and stuff? xx  
also,, you do theatre?? that’s so you i love it xx

jaemin’s face quickly began to blush, enough for renjun to snatch the phone out of his hands to see exactly what had got jaemin so red. renjun quickly read the messages and he grew the biggest smile; “ok jaemin if you don’t go to jeno’s tonight i’m going i’m tired i want to hate him but he’s so cute” jaemin was happy to actually have renjun see the light about jeno, and to see jeno so enthusiastically reschedule their plans. he also noticed jeno liked the fact he did theatre, wow maybe jaemin DID want to cry.

jaemin(8:14am)  
that’s perfect, i can come meet you after your soccer practice, you finish at 6pm right?? xx

(jaemin had realised he forgot kisses on his first text, and he hated himself for that)

jeno(8:16am)  
well actually tonight it’s a match, i got put on the first team so i’ll probably be finished up for 7pm, but you’re free to come watch the match with your friends, it starts around 5pm xx

jaemin(8:17am)  
i’ll be there, im excited to see you play jeno!! xx

jaemin could’ve burst with excitement, he was finally going to see jeno play AND get to watch movies with him afterwards, perhaps the theatre rehearsals being at lunch today were perfect, now all he needed to do was get renjun to come with him.

“so jun,, how do you feel about watching the soccer game later??”

“i’ll go, but it’s only so that you can see jeno”

and with that it was set, and jaemin seriously could not be more excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for over 1k reads?? i am not WORTHY!!  
> also very sorry for the long time updating, life gave me some l's but i'm good now  
> again thank you for the kudos and comments i really appreciate it!!
> 
> anyway if you'd like to be mutuals on twitter imma leave it here uwu warning in advance, i'm annoying
> 
> https://twitter.com/siichxng xoxo


	9. when they only hear you whisper

jaemin tried his best during rehearsal but he couldn’t get jeno off of his mind. even though the play they were performing was yet to be set into stone, they were using this session to play around with new ideas and try and come up with something more permanent. “what about macbeth?” jaemin suggested, much to renjun’s displeasure, “are you joking? that’s what we’re studying in english right now i do not want it to ruin the one thing i enjoy” renjun said. “what about pied piper?” their younger friend chenle spoke up, somewhat in a timid way waiting to see how renjun would react. “again, NO, i am not playing a rat that shit is straight up nasty, also none of you can play the flute.” rejun retorted. theatre was seriously renjun’s only love and he really wanted to make the best impression he could as it’s an area he really wants to go into. “what about aladdin injun?? you looked good in blue as a smurf you’d make the perfect genie” jaemin tried to lighten the mood, and in turn take some pressure away from renjun. “have i ever told you i would watch you fall if you fell from a cliff?” renjun was now laughing a long with jaemin. jaemin had always been that battery-pack to energize his friends whenever they felt down, which made him think back to just last night where jeno had been that person for him. jaemin stop being so whipped challenge, FAILED. 

“i heard you’re going to the game later?” chenle chimed in, trying to distract from the work they were supposed to be doing. “yes je-, wait how do you know i was planning to go?” jaemin was confused, the only person he had told was renjun because renjun was the only one who knew in depth about this crush on jeno. “who do you think told me jaemin? anyway i’m tagging along if that’s ok, i wanna see what this jeno guy is all about”. jaemin instantly darted his eyes over to renjun, “look chenle i love you and would have told you at some point, but renjun why?” jaemin really felt bad not telling chenle, but this was his first serious crush and he didn’t want a lot of people to know and potentially ruin his chance with jeno, as he was still trying to figure jeno out and didn’t want to scare him off somewhat. “it was an accident i didn’t know he was peering over my phone” renjun answered, voice heavy with the guilt in the realisation of what he did. “i’m sorry jaem i’ll buy you icecream tonight and trust me i’ve already told chenle not to make anything obvious”. “ok ok, look it’s not a bad thing i would just prefer to tell people myself you know?” jaemin was only so stern because he was scared extra attention from his friends on jeno might turn into jeno pushing jaemin away in fear. “anyway, i’ll see you all afterwards, the game starts just before 5 so be there early so we can get front seats” both renjun and chenle laughed at jaemin’s eagerness, but they kept their promise so that jaemin could see his man up close.  
\-----  
“hey renj- “as his friends entered, he realised that jisung had also tagged along. “i’m guessing chenle invited you along?” jisung nodded compliantly, and it was obvious he was also here to help the others observe jaemin’s crush. “i literally fucking hate sports” renjun turned to jaemin, freezing and not prepared for the next 90 minutes of torture that was the soccer game. “please can you not complain for like 5 minutes??” jaemin was already nervous enough for jeno and didn’t need the added stress of renjun being cold. as the others talked amongst themselves, jaemin decided to send one last good luck text to jeno and let him know he was there. 

jaemin (4:42pm)  
hey jeno!! i’m here with renjun and our two friends chenle and jisung, i’m sat near the front, good luck i know you got this!

jeno(4:45pm)  
i feel like im gonna mcpuke but thank u for coming i’ll try and wave your way xx

jaemin felt the urge to send another message, but he knew with how nervous jeno was he probably would just make it worse if he kept bombarding him, so he put his phone back into his pocket and nervously fidgeted with his hands waiting for the game to start.

in a flash players started filling the pitch, jeno’s position was defence, even if jaemin wasn’t entirely sure what that entailed, he knew jeno would nail it. in what seemed like some stare down between the opposing teams, jaemin noticed jeno break from the scene for a moment and turn to his section beaming his smile towards jaemin. fuck fuck fuck his heart was exploding, jaemin give a reassuring smile back, hoping it would give jeno confidence in his game. the whistle sounded, and the game began, and suddenly a competitive urge took over jaemin, he really wanted jeno to win, so that jeno could prove to himself that he was good and didn’t need to be so anxious.

not much happened in the first half of the game, except jaemin got extremely flustered watching jeno play. jeno clearly worked out and had an amazing physique, jeno usually wore loose fitting clothes so jaemin never really saw that jeno had been working hard to have a healthy body, he was somewhat jealous, because jeno spent so much time gaming and sleeping how did he have the time to have the perfect body as well? jeno was literally perfect and jaemin needed him to know that. the half time was around 15 minutes, so that would be enough time for jaemin to go get some snacks, the nerves had made him completely forget he had to eat, and now that he had calmed down, he realised how hungry he was. jaemin walked towards the vending machine, he was pondering his choice when suddenly he felt two hands on his shoulder. “i can get that for you, i’m guessing you were going to choose the strawberry flavoured panda sweets??” it was jeno, jaemin was both relieved and annoyed that jeno knew him so well because jaemin was in fact about to choose the panda biscuits. “shouldn’t you be preparing for your next half instead of bullying me over my predictable sweet choices?” jaemin said sarcastically, he knew jeno was probably just taking a breather and was probably ecstatic to see a familiar face. “well i was coming for water, you were the one here i had to take up the opportunity” jeno jokingly replied, he seemed in good spirits and made the smile on jaemin’s face grow even wider. “anyway, do you think i play well?” jeno seemed a bit more serious asking this, but jaemin still wanted to play along a bit, “why would you ask me? i know literally nothing about soccer” at least jaemin was being honest. “you don’t have to know about soccer for me to try and impress you jaem”, jaemin became so flustered, why would jeno want to impress him? jaemin thought of himself as just some awkward boy who loved his nintendo too much, why would jeno even think of jaemin as someone worthy of him lmao?? it was unfortunate that jaemin was still yet to realise how his charms played on jeno’s mind all day and that he was just as whipped and as unsure as jeno. “of course, you play well, is there anything you aren’t good at??” jaemin quickly replied, 100% sure he was already red. “well, if i was good at everything, i don’t think i’d be single right now” jeno replied, giving jaemin a heart attack. “i gotta head back, i’ll pick you up from your section after the game” and with that jeno walked back to the lockeroom as if nothing had just happened. jaemin was still in utter shock, he literally ran back to his friends to fill them in on what had just happened.

\---  
jeno’s pov!!!

jeno (5:47pm)  
hyuck i think i did it

donghyuck (5:47pm) ~  
tell me EVERYTHING

jeno (5:48pm)  
well, i did what you said and basically put my feelings out and left before he could crush them. he asked if there was anything i wasn’t good at and i said if i was good at everythin i wouldn’t be single…

donghyuck (5:49pm)  
oh my i have taught you so well!! i would have paid to see him turn red you kno i can’t believe my panicked gay flipped the tables, your mind!!

jeno (5:50pm)  
i gotta go in a sec, but i’ll message you tonight after i’m done

donghyuck (5:51pm)  
go get em my lesbian <3

\----  
jaemin’s pov

the second half went nothing like the first. the other team had subbed on their best player, who fully changed the dynamic of the game and led to jeno’s team losing. jaemin knew jeno played brilliantly and should be proud for making it through his first real game, but he knew jeno was never going to see it like that. he had no idea if jeno still wanted to hang out after, but he just patiently waited in his section, holding on that he would see jeno hopefully not too upset about the game. jaemin also made the wise decision to ask renjun, chenle and jisung to leave, if jeno did want to see jaemin, he wanted it to be just them so that jeno could feel more comfortable and let out his feelings a bit more.   
jaemin was sat in a loop of folding his gloves in and out, he was the only one left in the stands now, apart from the staff cleaning up after the game. that was until a sunken jeno appeared at the top of the steps above him, “are we ok to go?” jeno was very soft in his tone, probably very drained and tired. “are you sure you still want me to come, i could just walk you home so you can just sleep??” jaemin only wanted the best for jeno. “no no it’s fine, please come” jeno seemed emotionally vulnerable and jaemin had the perfect plan of putting jeno into bed and just letting him sleep. jaemin got up and they both started walking out of the building, jeno was so silent, jaemin could really tell it had affected his mood, as jeno just over an hour ago was shamelessly flirting with him. “let’s go” jaemin said as he lifted up ready to walk jeno home, he was conflicted on whether to ask jeno about the game, but he thought he would let jeno talk about himself if he really wanted to, so as they were walking jaemin tried to steer the topic to literally anything else. as expected, jeno wasn’t very responsive, and jaemin decided to continue the rest of the short walk in silence, so that jeno didn’t feel overwhelmed.

as jaemin quietly followed jeno into his room, he was completely astonished by the contrast of the jeno he saw in school to the jeno at home. his room, although very neutral and muted, had small splashes of jeno’s personality that made it his own. from the cute pokemon plushies lined up on his shelf and his nintendo games situated by his bed, jaemin felt somewhat honoured to have been invited into jeno’s space, as to jeno this was probably his haven free from the world. jaemin decided now would be a more appropiate time to speak to jeno about his game, because it seemed jeno was probbaly more comfortable here than he was anywhere else. “so, do you wanna talk about the game, you don’t have to”-, before jaemin could even finish his sentence he saw tears rolling down jeno’s cheek. “i worked really hard today, like i tried so fucking hard and i couldn’t even prove to anyone i was good, i’m not even gonna make the next team now” jeno was fully sobbing at this point, clearly extremely hurt from the result of the game. “look jeno, i’m not gonna have you slander yourself when you were amazing out there, i don’t care what anyone else wants to say but you are so dedicated and passionate jeno please”- but as jaemin was mid ted talk, jeno just hugged him. jaemin literally felt like he was going to actually turn into dust, but somehow, he managed to gain the strength to suggest they put a film on, to hopefully distract jeno from his current state of sadness. “shall we watch a film like we planned earlier? i’ve been really wanting to watch a star is born if you want?”, jeno lifted his head from jaemin’s embrace and let out the softest thank you he had ever heard. as jaemin set up the film jeno was re-arranging pillows and blankets as the night was again cold as hell. “when we’re done which guest room should i go in?” jaemin was asking this now as he expected jeno would be going to sleep minutes after he started the film. “well, you can stay in here if you want i don’t mind?”, yes jeno did have a huge bed, but that was still too close for jaemin and didn’t want jeno to have to witness him have a heart attack in his sleep. but nonetheless, jaemin recognised that jeno probably needed the support right now, and in turn nervously agreed to stay with jeno, yet he was unsure if his heart could really take it. 

as expected, just 15 minutes into the film jeno was gone and cuddled up into his blanket. it was only around 9pm but jaemin himself was simply exhausted, he decided now would be the best time for him to go to sleep, even if it was the weekend tomorrow and he could stay up all night if he wanted. he turned the film off and he himself got under the blanket. yes, jeno had fallen asleep on his shoulder before but that was accidental and jaemin was unsure that jeno even knew he did that. jaemin was literally on the edge of jeno’s bed as far away as he could to prevent any accidental mishaps this time. he placed his earbuds in and put on his usual relaxation playlist, hoping he would wake up tomorrow to see a happier jeno.

 

when jaemin woke up that morning it was a complete haize. he felt like he had been sleeping forever, he was still in a similar position to the one he fell asleep in, facing the wall with his back turned on jeno. as he was about to turn around jaemin suddenly felt strokes through his hair. his heart started pulsating, what and who?? jeno?? nah it couldn’t be?! but before jaemin was going to turn around he decided to let jeno carry on as it was extremely relaxing, and jaemin was just falling deeper and deeper in love with jeno. out of nowhere jeno got up and left the room. jaemin took this as his que to text renjun and literally explode.

jaemin (1:36pm)  
omfg renjun u better be up

renjun (1:37pm)  
it's literally 1pm why wouldn’t i be up eye??

jaemin (1:37pm)  
jeno jus went somewhere, but when i woke up, he was running his hands thru my hair

renjun (1:38pm)  
WAIT WHAT?? SHY BOY REALLY OUT HERE??

jaemin (1:39pm)  
yes!!! i’m not gonna say anything but damn injun is that what straight boys do?

renjun (1:42pm)  
again i have no words, can he just propose already???  
as jaemin was halfway through his next message jeno returned, with bagels and multiple spreads for them to use. “i didn’t know if you’d be hungry for something else but i can’t cook lol” it seemed jeno had woken up in a much better mood, back to being himself, hopefully not beating himself up over the game. “no no it’s perfect thank you” jaemin replied, again slightly annoyed jeno knew him so well because he absolutely loved bagels. “i’m sorry i forced you to stay in my room, when i’m upset i really hate sleeping alone” jeno said in passing as they both devoured their food, considering they hadn’t eaten in over 12 hours. “it’s completely fine jeno, i’m your friend i want to be there for you, out of interest, what do you do if you’re alone??” jaemin asked the question with some hesitation, he didn’t want jeno to get upset again. “i usually bring hyuck round, but in most cases, i just sit and hug my pillow til 4am, probably the cause of my irregular sleep schedule” jaemin felt extremely sorry for jeno, he couldn’t imagine the amount of nights jeno helplessly cried to himself. “well you know i’m here for you always, and even if i can’t come around just drop me a text, i’m always up into the late hours too” jaemin knew that he didn’t need to keep reiterating his support, but he did anyway, to further ensure jeno knew he always had someone even if he felt he didn’t.   
\--

after they finished up their breakfast turned dinner, they played on jeno’s nintendo switch for a while as they had planned the night before and they both enthused about their love of animal crossing, which again came as a surprise to jaemin, who always imagined jeno to be more of smash bro’s player. it soon turned later into the evening and jaemin had to leave to start his assignment, although he didn’t want to leave jeno alone, he realised jeno needed some space to himself to fully process the events of yesterday. as they both exited jeno’s room and headed downstairs, doyoung came home from whatever presentation he had. “doyoung i thought??” jeno was shocked to see doyoung home, considering he had the after-party of the presentation that night. “i wasn’t gonna let you stay here alone, i saw the results of the game, but don’t be too hard on yourself, i spoke to jaehyun and he said you played so well jeno” jaemin was happy to see doyoung, he knew jeno and his step-brother were close, so jeno was in safe hands. “please remind me again how you’re so well acquainted with jaehyun?” jeno was still curious, doyoung literally never took an interest in sport but now talked to jaehyun on the daily. “that’s not the point?? anyway, are you going to introduce me to your friend?” doyoung was obviously curious of jaemin, he protected jeno so anyone new in his life would surely be under scrutiny. “oh, this is jaemin, he goes to my school i just let him stay over to play games” jeno was nervous and it was showing. jaemin smiled at doyoung, hoping that doyoung wasn’t already creating a restraining order against him. “it’s nice to see you can socialise in school jeno, is jaemin leaving i can drive you to his house? ”,, “oh i should be fine, i only live a few minutes away myself” jaemin needed the walk, so he could call jeno and pour out his love for the sweet domestic afternoon he had just had. “no problem, please come again, it’s not often jeno bring’s anyone here who isn’t donghyuck” doyoung let out with a friendly laugh, mayhaps this was sign doyoung didn’t want jaemin dead.

jeno lead jaemin outside, he was careful with his actions as he knew in some form doyoung was probably watching. “thank you for coming, and like doie said you’re welcome anytime” so jeno had a cute nickname for his brother too, stop being sweet challenge definitely a fail for jeno. “you don’t have to thank me jeno, i’ll see you in school next week?” to jaemin, school was the only place he could keep his calm around jeno, mostly to avoid any chance of public embarassment. “of course,” and suddenly jeno gave jaemin a warm embrace. “text me when you get home!” he said cheerfully as he walked back into his house. well this phone call to renjun was about to get far more intense as jaemin was positive he had lost control of his heart.

\--   
jeno’s pov!!

jeno entered the house, closing the door quietly behind him, hoping wherever doyoung was that he wasn’t alerted. but much to jeno’s surprise, no matter how quiet he closed the door, doyoung heard straight away and rushed into the hallway. 

“he’s the crush, the one you asked me for advice about the other week, isn’t he?”

jeno wanted the earth to swallow him up, he had no idea what to even say, or what would even come out of this situation, and he was not prepared in the slightest for whatever doyoung was about to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long time without an update! i've worked really hard on this chapter in terms of planning/plot. i spent at least 3 days just toying on how to get past the first paragraph. i've started back at uni so updates may be a little longer, but i aiming to have the fic done by february?! again thank you for any kudos or comments it is highly appreciated!! also,, wayv!! i can't wait for them to debut tomorrow, hendery already has this heart! have a positive week ily!
> 
> (also i'm uploading this at 4am after a few hours of writing, i've proofread it but in my sleep-deprived state there may be mistakes!!)


	10. heaven

jeno stood rooted to the spot, like a deer in headlights, his mouth felt like cotton and he could barely even process a response. “who-o? j-jaemin?? no-!” jeno was clearly showing just how nervous he was, the only thought coming to his head were to run away and hide for the rest of his life. jeno quickly snapped out of his thought when he felt doyoung softly place his arm around his shoulder. “jeno if you like jaemin it’s completely ok, you have nothing to worry about, i don’t care whatever you identify as, as long as you’re happy and whoever you love makes you happy, ok?” doyoung was very careful with his words, jeno rarely displayed his feelings thus he wanted to make sure he was gentle with him, as he was clearly a wreck right now. jeno was still frozen from the question, tears slowly forming in the corners of his eye, causing doyoung to give him the warmest hug ever, because god knows jeno needed it. “your secret is safe with me jeno, you know i’d never hurt you and i know how important jaemin is to you, let’s go into the living room and watch something? sounds good?”, jeno gave a weak yet desperate nod to doyoung, he thought of doyoung as a real brother and times like this definitely made him thankful he had someone so supportive with him at that moment.

jeno had dozed off at some point in the film, when he woke up, he realised that not only had the film probably already been over for a while now, but that doyoung was in the kitchen talking to someone on the phone. jeno got up from his cocoon of blankets to listen in on the conversation, although doyoung had promised, he still had the gut feeling he could be on the phone to their parents right now telling them everything. as he got closer, he was able to a better gist of the conversation; “no i can’t come around jeno fell asleep i’ll get killed if i leave him alone when he’s upset” doyoung was whispering, not knowing jeno had his ear to the wall. “i’ll call you later jaehyunnie” jeno was in utter shock? jaehyunnie? a PET NAME? jeno was supposed to believe doyoung was just talking to jaehyun for his well-being, but he started thinking their meetups had different intentions. jeno ran back to his seat so he didn’t look like he was spying on doyoung. “who were you on the phone to?” jeno asked, even when he knew the answer, “oh i just called mum to tell her you’re ok” why was doyoung lying, if jeno wasn’t emotionally drained, he would so be forcing doyoung to answer to him.   
just before jeno was about to go upstairs and probably sleep, he really began to think about what doyoung had said, about him having nothing to worry about liking jaemin. at this moment. right now, he was only out to hyuck and doyoung and he felt some sort of relief knowing he had a small yet loving support system. “thank you doie, i really appreciate what you said today”, jeno was really beginning to come to terms with how he felt, for the first time in a long time he finally felt like he knew what we wanted.  
\---  
jaemin’s pov  
jaemin was currently in the process of explaining his day with jeno to renjun on the phone. not forgetting to leave out any detail, his heart was overwhelmed with love and anxiety. he really cared for jeno, but it was becoming ever more evident that he was caring for him more than just a friend. he didn’t want to come across too strong on jeno, but he seriously couldn’t help but fall for him more and more each day. jaemin continued to pour out his feelings to renjun, who was intently listening to jaemin’s ted talk as if he hadn’t heard all of it before. 

“i met his step-brother too, he was so nice, and he seemed to really care for jeno” jaemin added, he was more content knowing that jeno had a support system at home when he couldn’t always be there for him. “have you messaged jeno since you left it’s been an hour or so? like even though he has his brother it might help if you message to double check?” renjun tried to encourage communication between jaemin and jeno, hoping it would help bring both of the boys out of their shell and actually acknowledge their feelings because at this point he just wanted to them to both realise they liked each other. “oh my god you’re right i’ll do it now!” jaemin was eager to message jeno, both to hear from him and to make sure he was ok.  
jaemin(19:23pm)  
hi jeno i just wanted to drop a text and make sure you’re feeling ok?? xx

jeno(19:25pm)  
ye im feeling better now i watched a film with doie but im probs gonna sleep soon im tired af lmao xx

jaemin(19:26pm)  
omg yess pls sleep b,, im rlly glad u have your brother to help u xx

jeno(19:28pm)  
literally im so thankful,, but i need to thank u for today as well jaem!! do you wanna go out tomorrow?? xx

jaemin(19:30pm)  
ofc!! but u don’t need to thank me for being there for u jen i do it because you’re my friend and i care xx

jeno(19:32pm)  
nono i rlly do, i was wondering if you wanted to go to the roller rink that jus opened?? and dw i cant roller skate so don’t feel bad if you can’t lmaoo xx

jaemin(19:34pm)  
i acc can so i can help u?? meet you at 12?? xx

jeno(19:38pm)  
that’s gucci ill come pick u up, thank u for this jaem i just wanted some time to not think abt everythin xx

jaemin(19:42pm)  
i feel u, i’ll let u sleep bb xx

jeno(19:43pm)  
night nana, thank u again for everything xx

jaemin fell asleep shortly after finishing his conversation with jeno, again his heart completely full with only love and support for jeno.

\----- 

it was 10:30am and jaemin was already dressed and ready to go to see jeno, even if he was over an hour early, he always liked to make sure he looked his best and take time to look good. today he was wearing just a simple pale pink shirt with blue jeans. he wanted today to be casual and he wanted to be comfortable so he could show jeno how well he could skate. he wanted to text renjun, but even for just a simple meetup with jeno he was so nervous, unable to stop thinking about the situations that could happen. for the next hour he toyed around waiting for jeno, he had even been offered breakfast, but his nerves were too strong for him to stomach anything.

the time was getting sooner and in effort to relieve his nerves, jaemin decided to go wait outside for jeno to come past. as he got out, he looked down the street to see a figure in the distance, dressed in all black with his hair slightly combed into a parting. jeno? jaemin walked a bit further on the street and worked out that it was jeno, who, much like jaemin, had arrived much earlier than their set time. “jeno??” jaemin shouted down alerting jeno to look his way, upon seeing him a huge smile spread across his face. “sorry i got here early, i was just ready quicker than usual” jeno said in his usual, sweet, tone. “no worries it’s fine, do you wanna just head straight there now?” jaemin said. jeno compliantly nodded and they both set off on their way. immediately any nerves either of them had dissolved, completely lost in conversation they reached their destination without even realising it. 

“should we wait outside for anyone else?”, jaemin asked this in case jeno had invited more people but was also curious to see if jeno had just invited him. “no i didn’t invite anyone else, that’s okay right?” jaemin hoped jeno couldn’t see just how flustered he became. for most people, this wouldn’t be a big deal, just two friends hanging out, but for jaemin, this was a big deal, because he had a huge ass crush on jeno and usually had other people to use a crutch somewhat if he ever became too flustered in the presence of jeno. “o-of course” jaemin answered, his throat suddenly drying up out of nowhere causing him to stutter. jaemin stop making it a fuss challenge. 

it was at the counter where they collected their shoes that jaemin’s heart rate exceeded the normal amount. just as jaemin was going through his bag to pay, jeno paid for them both. “jeno it’s ok i can”- but jaemin was cut off, “no it’s ok, i wanted to pay for you since you even agreed to come with me” jaemin was actually about to combust. again, paying for a friend is not a new concept, but for jaemin he felt butterflies in his stomach at jeno’s kindness. “let’s go” and with that jeno grabbed jaemin’s arm to the rink, making jaemin lowkey scared as he remembered the fact that jeno said he couldn’t actually skate. 

jaemin was completely right to be scared when jeno said he couldn’t skate. the poor boy had almost died 3 times and probably collided with half the people at the rink at this point. “jeno please come to the side so i can show you what you have to do” jaemin delivered the message with the most sarcastic smile he could, stimulating the same response from jeno; “ok babe chill”, jeno said it with such ease and confidence, little did he know jaemin was far from chill, he was freaking out. he quickly had to snap out of his state of utter shock, but the words kept resounding in his head like crazy. “ok you need to learn to balance, hold my hands and i’ll show you” this time jeno looked back at jaemin in shock. checkmate. jeno had a tight grip on jaemin’s hands, jaemin couldn’t get over how soft they were and just how perfect jeno was. “i’m gonna lead you, just move your feet forward like you’re walking pushing back on the wheels” jeno nodded, but he seemed distracted as well, his nerves probably rising too. jaemin gently pulled jeno around the rink helping him gain skill, he was just getting there until he tripped up on his own skate. jaemin managed to pull jeno before he fell. but big mistake for jaemin. because as he pulled him, he ended up pulling jeno closer to his chest and his eyes met with jeno’s. they both stopped for a moment. completely oblivious to the fact they were currently staring into each other’s eyes in the middle of a skating rink full of people. jaemin’s thoughts were racing, all he wanted to do right now was kiss jeno, but that was rudely interrupted by some random guy bumping into them. “hah sorry my life kinda flashed before my eyes then i thought i was gonna die” jeno said with a nervous laugh. jaemin laughed a long with him, with the same nervous tone. “should we go somewhere to eat or have a drink? we can try this again sometime” jaemin thought that was a good suggestion, as he didn’t think he could last any longer having to hold jeno’s hands without bursting. “yeah let’s go.” and with that they left the rink and started walking along the street hoping to find somewhere they could sit down and eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im very sorry for the long time in updating!! i've been kinda loaded with uni work and i've had like 6 essays to do and it's just been taking all my time, i also had a bit of a writers block so this chapter in all probably took me 4/5 days to write and decide a direction. but now that i've done this chapter i feel like i can write the other ones better and have gained a better direction. 
> 
> i also actually went to see troye sivan!!! he was so so good and i'd fully recommend his music and just him as a person. just like every other chapter this one is named after one of his songs, i chose heaven for this chapter as it's troye's song about his coming out experience (what this chapter focuses on) and i'd really recommend listening to it, as someone who is not out it makes me very emotional to listen to but hopeful one day i'll do it. anyway, thank you for sticking with me for this long, we have a break soon so hopefully i'll update by then!!
> 
> pls leave any kudos or comments, i appreciate every single one of them!!


	11. found arms to fall right into

they settled at their usual café they’d been to several times since meeting. it was a small yet cosy café just out of the centre. the main thing that attracted them was not only jaemin’s love for americano’s, but also because the owner had a cat that jeno adored. “jaemin how can you not like cats?” jeno asked as he had his arms scooped around a small tabby cuddling it as hard as he could. “it’s not that i don’t like them jeno it’s just my parents won’t let me have one” jaemin loved seeing jeno with cats, it was the ultimate soft side of jeno that just made jaemin smile so much. “listen next time you come around to mine i’m fully introducing you to my cats you’re going to love them” jeno spoke with such enthusiasm about his cats, jaemin thought that he’d never loved anything more in his life with the way he dotes on them. “wait, you’re allergic right?? how did you get 3 cats when you’re allergic?” jaemin questioned him, only because he didn’t want jeno to suddenly break out in a rash or something in the café. “well, we rescued one of my cats from the street and i couldn’t give him away, i’d rather take allergy pills than have lost him, and adopted the other two from shelters, i couldn’t resist their cute lil eyes” it was so sweet to see a caring yet carefree side of jeno. completely distracted by any outside pressures, cats were like his safe haven. 

“did you hear mark is having a party tonight” jeno added, after a few minutes of comfortable silence where jaemin was in awe watching jeno actually fall in love with the cat. “i swear mark always throws parties does he not have anything else to do? is his liver ok?” jaemin just could not fathom why high school parties had such a high importance in the high school experience, and because it was always mark hosting, jeno had to go, ultimately meaning jaemin went as well, for obvious reasons. “i kinda have to go because i promised mark a few weeks ago, you could come and ask renjun if he wants to??” jeno clearly wanted jaemin to come, as jeno had mentioned he got nervous at parties before and having a sober friend there would have probably been nice for him. “i bet if lucas is there renjun is already waiting outside to get in” jaemin remarked, “so i guess i’ll come to make sure he doesn’t do anything”. a huge smile lit up on jeno’s face, “amazing, thank god i don’t have to stand there alone third wheeling mark and hyuck, also renjun does know lucas is actually real sweet right? like so many people have this misconception of him being a player or whatever, but he’s genuinely one of the kindest and smartest people i know, also a nerd lol”

“to be fair renjun has never actually spoken to lucas whilst sober so he will probably never see that side of him, because he is literally so dumb” 

“well maybe we can get renjun to talk to lucas sober, or tipsy at the most? i’m sure they’d really get on”

“true, we’ll have to wait for tonight, god knows what could happen between now and then” jaemin said, causing both of them to laugh at the unpredictability mark’s parties usually hold. “later on i can come meet you and jun and we can walk together?” jeno asked. “yeah that’s perfect, just text me when you wanna set out, i’ll have to go home and change so i look decent” jaemin continued, before being cut off by jeno; “you’ll look good in anything jaem you don’t even have to try” jeno replied. jaemin had already structured a 40-minute ted talk in his head for renjun. they continued to drink their respective drinks, talking about almost everything that could come to mind in the quaint little café as jeno was about ready to adopt the owner’s cat. 

\---  
jaemin’s phonecall to renjun 

“hey injunnie”

“oh my god bitch you finally called?! where have you been??”

“i was jus at the cat café with-”

“say no more, my lonely ass does not wanna hear about your date with jeno”

“it wasn’t even a date renjun, and anyway you might not be lonely for long”

“please don’t mess with me what do you mean I wont be lonely?”

“mark is having a party tonight and jeno invited us, so we kinda have to go”

“look I aint going to a party jus to see you and jeno acting all cute and shit, plus we got mid-terms coming up”

“lucas will be there?”

“what time we meeting sweaty?”

“jeno told me lucas aint who you think he is, he’s actually sweet”

“i’ve been knew, who else carries a keychain on their bag they made in second grade, tell me jaemin”

“you make a fair point, anyway jeno is gonna message me later with the details, do u wanna meet up beforehand?”

“please we need to, you’ve been practically mia these last few days, you gotta explain this hold het jeno has”

“i thought we covered he might not be het?”

“i just like messing with you”

\--

jaemin was nervous to meet up with renjun, although they’d been friends for forever, renjun was right, jaemin had spent a lot of time with jeno and hadn’t had chance to fill in him. he also felt slightly bad for somewhat neglecting his friend, but he would see renjun in school, it wasn’t like he was avoiding him, he was just slightly head over heels. hopefully them meeting up now would make up for lost time.

renjun and jaemin just met up at jun’s house, a place where they knew could bitch and pour out their hearts in peace and 4 safe walls. “ok lover boy, I need to know what happened today with you and jeno cos your smile right now is, as ariana once said, beamin” rejun was immediately curious, he was jaemin’s ‘wingman’ after all. “well, jeno asked me to the roller rink and I assumed it was gonna be with his friends but then it was just us, and I helped him skate and held his hands, renjun I swear he is made of feathers his skin is so soft, and like I said we went to the café...” jaemin wittered on for what seemed like hours, creating a mental timeline of the time he and jeno had spent together, “as much as I love this jaemin, we really need to figure out if he’s gay or not, I don’t want you ever being led on or hurt” renjun had right to be concerned, he wanted the best for jaemin, and seeing him fall for straight boys before, he really wanted to make sure what the situation was. “right I know I'm gonna see you and jeno at the party or whatever, but you know too well I''m gonna be drunk out of my mind, can you try and plan something with the three of us? I just wanna see how he acts and stuff,,” renjun suggested this with little confidence, because although he knew jeno at a base level, he was nervous to see if jeno lived up to expectation. “ok sure, we could go somewhere after school on monday??” jaemin was excited for this opportunity, so his best friend could meet the guy he’d been whipped over for so long. “yeah I never have anything going on so that should be fine” renjun gave jaemin a reassuring smile, he had faith that jaemin’s taste in boys had improved and that jeno was actually gonna be sweet and kind, everything renjun wanted jaemin to have.   
\--

it was around 8pm and jaemin and renjun had been drinking for a few hours in his room. renjun had managed to steal his parent’s vodka without them seeing, he was going to replace it, whether that was with water or a new bottle was a matter for a different time. fair to say vodka was a strong spirit, and both boys were indeed drunk. they’d gone from mixing the alcohol with lemonade and other juices to drinking it straight. “injunnie, w-we might be toooo drunk now for mark’sss!” jaemin slurred his words, struggling to form the most basic sentence. “no jaeem! we’re goin i neeeed to see my mans!” renjun retorted, slowly standing up even if he did knock over things on his night dresser to support himself. “leggo” jaemin was completely in a daze before he felt renjun grab his hand and drag him downstairs ready to go to mark’s. thank god renjun’s parents weren’t home, they would’ve died at the absolute state renjun and jaemin had gotten themselves into, and they weren’t even at the party yet.

they linked each other as they walked down the street on their way to the party, probably the safest option as neither of them could even form a sentence, never mind put one foot in front of the other and walk without almost falling. as they were nonchalantly talking shit as they went down the path, jaemin felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, it was a call from jeno. sober jaemin would’ve taken his time to politely answer the phone in the calmest way he could, but he was far from sober and wasn’t even thinking, so answered the phone accordingly. 

phonecall to jeno

“hi jaemin it’s me-“

“JENOOO hey we’re coming im wit injun!!”

“ok cool cool, i will be running a little late, i got-“

as jeno was explaining why he was going to be late, renjun was tugging on jaemin’s arm practically begging him to put jeno on loudspeaker. “i swear he won’t hear me jaemin please”

loudspeaker activated

“anyway jaem, i should be there after 10pm, you’re ok until, then right??”

“i mean i guess, you’re gonna have to make it to me you know i require attention”

renjun’s eyes widened at jaemin’s words, sober jaemin would NEVER even utter those words, he literally just exposed to jeno that he is needy and constantly wants hugs and affection. even drunk jaemin was lowkey shocked at his own words.

“haha of course i know jaem, im sorry baby i’ll be there before you know it ok” jeno was extremely apologetic, genuinely sad he wasn’t going to be spending the entire night with jaemin. 

“okay” jaemin literally whined down the phone, renjun could not even believe what he was hearing, he was waiting for the penny to drop with jaemin that jeno did in fact just call him BABY. 

the phone call ended there after jaemin tried to pull the “you hang up” game on jeno, who was sadly to busy to play. “jaem,, jeno jus fucking called you BABY??! FOR WHY?!” renjun was literally staring into jaemin’s soul with eagerness for him to even try to come up with some sort of explanation. “renjun, i think i love him?” jaemin whispered. “ok that’s funny let’s get to mark’s and get you some more drinks oh my god” and with that renjun whisked jaemin away, wanting to get to the party and even more drunk as quickly as possible.

if jaemin was in love now, he had no idea how he would react when jeno actually arrives, he might even just kiss him…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for the huge amount of new readers im so so happy and i hope everyone is doing well!! i'm sorry i havent updated in like 2 weeks, i just got a job and im still doing uni work,, so we going, no time for things i enjoy!!
> 
> i listened to billie eilish's new album making this update, and i do recommend her music if u ever want something chill to work to, this chapter is named after troye's song named the good side, i chose this lyric because jaem thinks he loves jeno, so he did find arms to fall into i guess?? idk where i'm going with this, but i hope you enjoyed the update, i'm going to try and update again soon, thank you for anyone who has stuck it for so long i love you the most


	12. we try staying up late, but we’re both lightweights

as usual they entered the party to the same chaotic atmosphere, people playing drinking games and others making out with whoever they could find, quintessentially the most high school party you could get. “i swear to fuck mark is never here? every time we come, we’re always looking for his ass” renjun was probably a lil angry that drinks were yet to come their way. “let’s just go get something to drink and then we can find mark if that’s what you want” jaemin was unsure why renjun needed mark so much but he decided to start drinking anyway. 

as the night went on, both of them got progressively drunker. they did find mark, apparently renjun wanted to question mark on “sports stuff” so he could seem cool when he spoke to lucas later. jaemin was already regretting ever telling renjun about lucas being a normal guy. although jaemin was having fun, he couldn’t say he felt somewhat sad that jeno still wasn’t here. this was definitely drunk needy jaemin kicking in.   
all of a sudden everyone in the room began to form a circle, for what seemed like spin the bottle. jaemin got nervous, knowing his luck, jeno would walk right in and see him, either kissing someone and think jaemin was just in it to mess around. he tried to edge away but renjun was pulling him closer, jaemin eyed the circle and saw lucas was playing, this would 100% end in renjun becoming completely jealous if lucas even looked at someone else. jaemin decided for this he had to stay, to stop renjun from doing anything stupid. 

little did jaemin know he would be the one doing something. the bottle landed on him. drunk affectionate jaemin would not care, but not only was he now forced to kiss someone, but it was a girl. “look, i’m not playing i’m sorry i should’ve stepped out” jaemin tried to be as nice as he could, god knows how drunk people could react. the girl looked clearly offended, she was extremely pretty, but jaemin was extremely gay and extremely not into girls. jaemin just got up and started to walk away when he felt a strong grip on his shoulder. “it doesn’t matter you aren’t playing, you just had to ruin the mood didn’t you”, jaemin didn’t know the guy, but he was in close proximity of jaemin, towering over him. “yeah it was my mistake i apologise to your friend i didn’t mean anything by it”, the guy was just getting even angrier. at this point, jaemin was already preparing how he would explain to his friends at school next week why he got punched, but he also didn’t know why this guy was so pressed. 

“dude fucking let go he said he wasn’t playing what is your damage?”, both jaemin and the weirdo turned, the grip on jaemin’s arm being slightly lifted as they looked to see who intervened. “if you’re so pressed about her not getting kissed kiss her yourself this is just a game?” it was jeno, god jaemin was so thankful to see him. “and who are you?” the guy hissed at jeno, who stood completely unfazed by whatever threat the guy was trying to pose. “it doesn’t matter who i am, let my friend go” and with that the guy shook jaemin down and walked passed jeno, making sure to purposely nudge him as he went past. “jeno thank you” the nerves were evident in jaemin’s voice. “it’s ok jaemin you shouldn’t be forced to do anything you don’t want, whether it’s a game and whether you’re drunk or not” ugh jaemin wanted to literally kiss him right there, literally the king of consent.   
for the next few hours jaemin continued to join renjun in staying drunk, although renjun was a bit upset he didn’t get to play spin the bottle with lucas, he was more relieved knowing his friend hadn’t been knocked out in the process. jaemin hadn’t seen much of jeno after he stepped in, jeno was being the sensible one tonight for some reason, choosing to just chat rather than get drunk as he usually would. it was getting later and jaemin was still waiting for jeno to come collect his kiss, he knew in his head he was NOT going to kiss jeno, but it was always a nice thought.   
it was 2am and the party was somehow still going? even after several neighbours complaining, mark had actually managed to pull it off? jaemin, literally out of his mind, decided he needed some fresh air. he hadn’t drunk in a while, and the excess amount of alcohol he had drunk was starting to hit him, and not in the good way. he got settled on the edge of the decking, he was alone, but not for long. without him even realising it, jeno had quietly slipped through the patio doors to check on him. 

“i was hoping i’d get you alone at some point, how are you feeling?” jeno asked with a calm tone, as jaemin actually looked like he was going to throw up. “uhm. i’m not gonna lie chief, this ain’t it”. jeno sat close to jaemin on the decking, jaemin didn’t know if nerves were going to make him throw up or if the alcohol was gonna do it. the way drunk jaemin knew best to deal with his feelings was to cry and vent to whatever poor soul was next to him, but he was actually comfortable with jeno, so opted for something, a lot riskier. he slowly, but surely, nestled his head in the crook of jeno’s neck. he didn’t say anything, and neither did jeno, they both stayed like that for a while before jeno spoke.   
“if you don’t mind me asking jaemin, how come you didn’t want to kiss the girl at spin the bottle?” jaemin could feel jeno’s eyes on him, maybe now was the time, to like, officially do it? “well, i only stayed at the circle in case renjun tried to get with lucas, or better yet, beat whoever lucas may end up kissing. but then they chose me and even though i was drunk, i just wasn’t into it, i usually just kiss anyone drunk, but i wasn’t into it, and i wasn’t into her...” jaemin decided to wait before he dropped the ‘bombshell’, to see how jeno would react to the first bit of information. “ye i get you, one-time i played it and it landed on the girl my friend liked, so i yeeted away so quick. but like you, i wasn’t into her anyway, what’s your type then jaemin, who would you kiss in the circle?” jeno seemed so innocently curious, but jaemin’s head was screaming jeno. that was the only person he would kiss in the circle. “well. to begin with, it’s kinda…” jaemin struggled to get it out, but eventually he just said it. “it definitely wouldn’t be a girl…” jaemin paused, trying to gauge jeno’s reaction. “oh ok cool, what kind of guy? im guessing someone not like renjun, it would be weird to date a carbon copy of your childhood best friend aha” jeno carried the conversation on completely casually. he didn’t try and make it a huge deal, he just took the information and applied it. this is how jaemin knew he really liked jeno, because jeno was so attentive, knew how to handle things, he didn’t have to come to jaemin’s lil venting session, but he did. jaemin burrowed his head further into jeno’s shoulder, both because he wanted to and because it was getting quite cold. “i don’t even know jeno, i’ve never been in love” partly a lie, because in his head he knew he was in love with jeno. “trust me, your heart takes time, you will find love, and even now you are loved by so many people jaemin. you’re one of the kindest and caring people i know, any guy who has you has the world at his reach”. in his head jaemin could do nothing but scream. he didn’t know he needed to hear that, but he did. he didn’t even know why he was getting so emotional, but the tears were about to start streaming.   
“you love me, don’t you jeno?”,,   
“of course i do nana”.   
there it goes, the pipes officially burst. jaemin was literally sobbing (in his head). alcohol had truly made him an emotional mess. “shall we go back to mine? you can sleep in peace there, i don’t think this party is going to end soon” jeno, lifted jaemin’s from his shoulder and jaemin replied, “i’d love that”. 

jaemin tried to stand, but hilariously fell into a plant pot. “omg jaemin hold my hand” jeno was laughing, even if he felt bad that jaemin was crushing mark’s mom’s roses. “no jeno i’m fine i can walk”, jaemin was so confident until he realised, holding jeno’s hand, he didn’t want to pass up on this opportunity. “ok fine since you so insist” and jaemin bounced up grabbing jeno’s hand. he had missed its warmth so much. “should we bring renjun too?” jeno asked. as much as jaemin wanted jeno all to himself, he couldn’t leave renjun. “if there’s enough room at your place?” jeno nodded in   
response, leading jaemin through the house, now with a mission to find renjun. 

“where is he, or maybe a better question, is he with lucas?” jeno looked around, not seeing any site of renjun. “i have no idea, but he better hurry his ass up or i will throw up on his nice shirt” jaemin was joking, but he did start to feel incredibly sick. before they could look further, mark approached them both, looking absolutely distressed. “jaemin,, renjun is kind of a mess..” jaemin was not alarmed with this information from mark, he had seen renjun drunk enough times to know. “what did he do this time?” jaemin didn’t think he would be shocked, but he was so wrong. “so, i was just in my room and i hear a noise from my en-suite, so i go in, and uhhm, he was like all over lucas”, jaemin was gobsmacked, what was lucas taking to actually make out with renjun?! “but in my shock of opening the door, renjun yelped, jolted, and turned the shower on himself, so now he’s cursing me the fuck out in my room for interrupting him, and he’s soaking wet” classic renjun. “ok, we’ll go sort him out we’re leaving now anyway” jaemin made his way upstairs. still holding jeno’s hand. he could hear renjun muttering to himself. then some sort of fear struck, renjun was drunker than he was, and could potentially make a comment along the lines of jaemin actually being in love with jeno. he was praying in his head, renjun would just comply and go home with them. 

before they entered the room, jaemin reluctantly let go of jeno’s hand, to avert any protentional attention on them from renjun. “finally, you’re here jaemin, did you bring the knife so i can actually kill mark?” renjun was so drunk, and even so, jaemin didn’t know if renjun would get over this in the morning. “oh, and you brought jeno? what a shame lucas had to leave we could’ve gone on a doub-“ jaemin made sure to cut him off before he finished his sentence. “yeah, me and jeno are taking you home, we’re staying at his ok?” jaemin had sobered up, but was feeling increasingly more ill and tired. “cool, i’ll tell you all about it on the way home” renjun added, this was going to be a long night.   
when they got outside, jaemin saw jeno’s car parked in the drive. “you were gonna drive home drunk?” jaemin questioned, “well i was gonna stay here and drive home tomorrow, but since i didn’t drink, i can take us now, it’ll be so much quicker” jeno delivered it with a smile as always. “but please if u feel sick, don’t do it in my car” both jaemin and renjun nodded, they knew they were going to be hungover as fuck. 

\-- 

“i literally had him where i wanted him you guys, he’s such a good kisser too and then fucking mark lee king of celibacy just had to walk in, i don’t care hyuck is your best friend jeno tell him im killing his boyfriend” thankfully jeno knew renjun was drunk, so he wasn’t too concerned with informing hyuck that he might be attending his boyfriends funeral. “also, jeno i don’t think we’ve had a proper conversation, like ever, but since your friends with jaemin i can assume you’re not a dick like mark” “i’m glad you know im not like mark ahah” jeno was so careful when driving, completely concentrated on the road. jaemin was so bare minimum at this point a safe driver makes him fall in love. amazing. what kept jaemin’s heart beating was that among renjun’s chattering about the night, jeno kept breaking concentration to glance at him. jaemin didn’t know if jeno was aware that he wasn’t stupid and had clocked jeno repeatedly stare at him, but he wasn’t going to say anything, he loved that jeno was checking to see if he was ok. again, bare minimum jaemin jumped out.   
it was around 3am by the time they had reached jeno’s house. it wasn’t too far from mark’s, but if you add in the stop at mcdonald’s, it’s understandable they got there a bit later. “do we need to be quiet?” jaemin enquired, actually taking consideration that jeno’s family might be asleep, unlike renjun who was still muttering to himself about mark interrupting him. “just until we get to my room, my brother is here and he’s stressing over university so i don’t wanna face him sleep deprived”, jeno began leading jaemin and renjun up into his room, it was on the 3rd floor, not ideal when trying to get 2 people up several flights of stairs. things were going smoothly, until one of jeno’s beloved cats   
appeared at the top of the stairs. 

“omg is that your fucking cat?” renjun was speaking at full volume, completely forgetting jeno’s brother was sleeping. “i mean why else would i have a cat in my house?” jeno had every right to be confused to be honest. within an instant, both jaemin and renjun were fawning and giving jeno’s cat all the love it deserved. “guys come to bed, i can show you my cats in the morning” jeno was tired too and was thinking of the high possibility that, if they were here any longer, one of them could be sick on his cat, which he considered his child. both of them reluctantly followed, taking one more flight before reaching jeno’s room.   
as they all entered, renjun and jaemin sat patiently on jeno’s bed. the after effects of alcohol had hit them both. jeno had gone to get them some pyjamas and water, both of them now taking the time to aimlessly look around jeno’s room, allowing renjun to make his observations. “i didn’t know he was a fucking weeb”, renjun said as he stared right at jeno’s hetalia figurine, “also America? the worst character”, jaemin had to laugh, no matter what state renjun was in, he still managed to hold such strong opinions. jeno quickly returned and handed the boys their fresh clothing, jeno offered that they could go into his bathroom to get changed but that didn’t faze renjun and he just started getting changed in front of them both. “renjun you’re so embarrassing” jaemin said this as he was walking towards the bathroom to get changed in privacy, meanwhile jeno had already darted out the minute renjun began to drunkenly take his jacket off. by the time jaemin got back, renjun was completely zoned out fast asleep in the middle of the bed. jaemin was about to make his way to get comfortable too but was hit with a sudden surge of sickness and ran back to jeno’s ensuite to throw up. jaemin swore he was literally never drinking again. he slowly lifted his head; a headache was definitely under way. which was quite conveniently getting worse as he was being sick. when he turned around, jeno was stood with water, a towel, and an extremely stressed look on his face thinking jaemin was about to die in his bathroom. “are you ok? do you need me to call someone to come get you?” jaemin wish he had the willpower to uwu over how cute and attentive jeno was, but he literally couldn’t think at all. “can we just go to sleep?” jaemin was so exhausted and just needed to sleep this feeling off. “of course, we can, we just have to move renjun first”. 

somehow, even with renjun being sprawled out, they all managed to fit on. jaemin was currently hyper-ventilating, the last time he shared a bed with jeno, he was literally on the edge as far away as he could be to prevent his heart bursting, but with addition of renjun, he was literally right next to jeno. he was slowly closing his eyes, before hearing jeno speak up, “are you sure you’re ok jaemin?”, jeno had put his phone down and had his full attention placed on jaemin, who was getting flustered as hell. “yeah, i guess i jus need to sleep it off, i’ll be fine tomorrow, or the day after who knows”, jaemin was highkey unsure if he’d actually get over his hangover, because he hadn’t felt this bad for a good while. “ok, as long as you’re sure, let me know if you need any medicine or even just company when you go home”, jaemin was about to try and go to sleep, but he had a burning sensation and had to get it off his chest. although he knew from jeno’s reaction that he was completely fine, he just wanted reassurance.   
“what i told you before jen,, it doesn’t change anything right?” 

“of course not, nothing changes, you’re still my friend who i care for a lot, what you told me tonight is safe with me, i won’t ever tell anyone jaem” 

“thank you jeno, it means a lot, as of now, only you and renjun are the people i’ve like formally come out to, with chenle, jisung and the rest, it just kinda happened that one day i talked about guys instead of girls” 

“it’s good you have so much support jaem, i know it must take so so much bravery, especially in the   
current society we live in” 

“you got that right aha” 

they continued to talk for a few more minutes, just on how fucked it was that in some countries it was illegal to be gay, how unsafe it is to be affectionate in public, jeno really enthused with jaemin’s fears and worries, it made jaemin feel so safe knowing he had a loyal and understanding ally in jeno. they wrapped up their conversation, deciding 4am was the wrong time to plan a political revolution against homophobic rulers. “good night jeno, thank you for today...” jaemin kept reiterating his praise for jeno. he just wanted jeno to know how appreciative, thankful and overall how lucky he was to have such an amazing friend. they hadn’t known each other for as long as jaemin knew some of his other friends, but he felt that they had become closer than ever though their constant help and support for each other, whether he felt romantic or not, jaemin seriously considered jeno one of his closest friends. 

moments after jaemin had closed his eyes, with a weight being lifted off his shoulders after the conversation he had tonight, he feels the softest lil peck planted on his forehead accompanied with the sweetest “good night” from jeno. jaemin went from being exhausted to fully wanting to perish, in a good way. jaemin knew jeno meant it in the comforting platonic way, but it only added to his already overwhelming crush on jeno. 

he just wished he could tell jeno how he really felt, it was truly eating him up inside having to hold in all of his love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for being patient in waiting for this update uwu! i'm back at uni and im snowed under with work but we smile thru the pain.
> 
> also this chapter is kinda based on how i got drunk and talked about being queer with my friend who then did kiss me on the forehead. and my heart did spontaneously combust
> 
> thank you again for reading this update and i hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	13. i drink but i choke

renjun pov  
the morning came quickly, well it was now probably afternoon considering they were extremely hungover. when renjun opened his phone, he was instantly shocked to see a long line of texts from a new contact, lucas. renjun’s heart started to beat as fast as he had ever felt before. why in this dimension was lucas texting him? if he wasn’t already feeling nervous about what happened last night, he now had a reason to feel absolutely terrified. still confused by his surroundings, it was only when he looked around and saw a free!! poster on the wall that he knew this wasn’t his room and he in fact was in jeno’s house, something he decided with the presence of a cat at the foot of the bed. when he turned over, he could see jaemin was still fast asleep, he had completely zoned out last night so had no idea how he had even got to bed but was glad jaemin was there with him. renjun lay awkwardly in bed for the next 15 minutes, waiting for jeno to come in, but nothing. he didn’t want to walk downstairs looking death had become him and potentially walk into jeno’s family. he took the initiative to use jaemin’s phone to text jeno, since he didn’t have his number saved in his phone, and also because he didn’t even want to look at the messages lucas had sent. 

renjun knew jaemin’s passcode, it was his birthday, they both trusted each other so it didn’t really bother them to use each other’s phone. upon opening jaemin’s phone, the first message was from jeno;

jeno;(10:21am)  
i saw u were both still asleep, my brother is out so its just me downstairs, i don’t have renjuns number to tell him but youre both welcome to come down whenever i wont disturb unless you need me xx

if jaemin wasn’t already tryna wife up jeno renjun would have already done it himself. he also noticed the kisses by the message and muttered to himself, “literally the least het thing ever”. without hesitation and with the only objective to get food, renjun made his way downstairs, not before being interrupted by one of jeno’s cats. when he entered the living room jeno immediately perked his head up from his laptop, giving a reassuring smile to renjun, who knew he looked like he had just been dragged from hell. “i’m so glad one of you is finally awake i was getting so bored, can i get you something to eat or drink?” jeno asked as pleasant as ever, renjun was surprised considering they barely knew each other. “uh i guess i’ll just have a water, i honestly feel like imma die” renjun was honest at least, he did feel like he had never had a drop of water in his life. jeno offered renjun a seat and passed him both a blanket and pillow to rest on, as he had the worst headache coming on. when jeno returned with renjun’s water, he also gave him a couple of macarons, his favourite. “how did you know i liked these?” renjun asked. “jaemin always talks about how you guys love them but always have to settle for oreos because they’re so expensive. so i got some in for whenever jaem comes round” jeno was still in the kitchen cooking himself something. renjun was glad jeno had his back to him, because he could not contain the smirk on his face. jaemin had struck absolute gold with jeno, and he had no idea why jaemin was even doubting the fact jeno liked him, he was literally stocking jaemin’s favourite macarons for him?! whipped?! jeno was exactly that!! “jaemin also really likes peaches if you ever cant afford the food markets expensive ass macarons”, jeno laughed in response to renjun, who now made it his mission to push all of jaemin’s likes and interests on jeno so he could fully display his whipped culture. “is jaemin awake yet?” jeno returned and sat opposite to renjun eating his dinner, renjun expected him to be eating breakfast since it felt like morning but it was 2pm to be fair. “i don’t think so, he was flat out when i left him” renjun responded, “i think we both had way to much to drink last night”, that was clearly no understatement. 

Jeno and renjun continued to talk about the night prior, to which jeno had made the dire mistake to mention how renjun was absolutely all over lucas in the early hours of that morning. “you know I have texts from lucas and i would rather die than open them” renjun informed jeno,, to which a confused look appeared on his face, “whys that?” jeno quickly responded. “well, i’m assuming it’s gonna be a bunch of texts saying he doesn’t wanna remember last night and that he was drunk and that he ain’t gay” renjun said, clearly fearsome about the chance of being rejected. “drunk or not people shouldn’t play on emotions, you have every right to be upset renjun and you need to let lucas know he can’t just kiss people and lead them on, but still, lucas might just be making sure you’re ok? I think you really need to see the message to relieve yourself of worry renjun” jeno had put it so simple yet perfect, looking at both sides of the situation which renjun hadn’t. again renjun suddenly came to realise exactly WHY jaemin was smitten, it’s hard not to be in love with someone so logical and someone who acknowledges feelings and how to handle them. “yeah you’re right, i’ll go and get my phone” renjun felt nervous saying that, but nonetheless he headed upstairs and to get his phone.

When renjun arrived he saw jaemin somewhat awake, his eyes were doing everything they could to close but jaemin was fighting to keep them open, with his head buried into several pillows and his body practically one with his duvet. “afternoon light weight, loverboy is being cute downstairs get up” renjun said as he shoved jaemin slightly, garnering a groan in response. “renjun i really fucked up, i’m honestly gonna die this is it for me” jaemin was feeling his hangover and feeling it hard, he wanted to curl up and sleep forever. “shall i go get jeno and see what he suggests?” renjun wasn’t sure what jaemin wanted or needed, but knew jeno would lift his spirits. “please” jaemin replied, not longer after digging his head further into the pillow. 

A few moments later jeno arrived, with water, tablets and some snacks for jaemin, who even he could admit looked like he had seen better days. “renjun and I are gonna take a drive for some food and then i’m dropping him back off at home, do you want me to come back for you or do you wanna come with us now or”- jeno was cut off by a tired jaemin, “please can I stay here, i can’t go home to my parents like this” jaemin was slightly pouting and had his puppy eyes out. There was no way jeno was going to say no. “that’s absolutely fine jaem. Please get some rest and i’ll be back in an hour or so ok?” jaemin nodded in response, he could not go home so ill, especially after he had told his parents the reason he was out last night was to sleep at renjuns not to get absolutely pissed.

a short while later renjun was sat waiting in jeno’s car waiting to be dropped off home, he could always handle hangovers better than jaemin, and at least somewhat appear fine even if the sick feeling in his stomach persisted. he wanted to use the alone time he had with jeno to fully try and work him out. he knew jeno was whipped, but that doesn’t help when he doesn’t even know if jeno likes guys. 

the drive home, which had been delayed by traffic,, was going great for jeno, not so much for renjun, who was now being reminded of his night with lucas. “you went missing for ages jaemin thought you had fully vanished” jeno laughed, causing renjun’s face to burn in embarrassment. “i can’t believe i kissed him this is so humiliating” renjun did genuinely feel humiliated,, because he doesn’t even know how many people saw him and knew when he went back into school he was gonna get shit for it. “if anyone says anything to you renjun and you don’t feel comfortable dealing with it literally just text me and i’ll be right there” renjun felt comforted by jeno’s words, knowing someone had his back who could actually pose a threat if anyone decided to mess with him. “thanks jeno, that means a lot, you don’t have to be nice to me tho since you’re friends with lucas”

“but we’re friends too right? even if i’ve only known you a short time,, i still gotta look out for you if you ever feel like you need someone” renjun was about to implode, why was jeno SO nice? and normal? It was here he realised he didn’t want to spend time pressing jeno to see if he liked liked jaemin. Because whether he did or not, he knew both he and jaemin had found a genuine friend in jeno, and he didn’t want to jeapordise that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so so sorry this took so long to update!! i’ve been really finishing my first year of uni but now i’m finally done! also i apologise for this been so short,, ive had a hard time picking it back up because of how long i left it but!! i have some prompts now and hopefully should update her sooner than before💗 thank u for sticking with me if u have, i really do appreciate it,, also im seeing nct 127 in london!!! if anyone else is seeing them i hope you have the best time!! 
> 
> the chapter title is from troye’s song cool, kinda reflecting the situation renjun is in maybe?? but anyway HOPE YALL HAD A HAPPY PRIDE. QUEER IS BEAUTIFUL!!


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